Have you noticed the large amount of divorce in this country? I’m not talking about your run of the mill weekly celebrity divorce here; I mean just regular everyday people. If your local paper lists the divorces, take a look – it’s tremendous. The United States’ divorce rate is 50%. That means if you see two couples getting married, one of them is breaking up. Is it any wonder that it is so bad in this country? Do you know why people get a divorce in the first place? Money, infidelity, lack of communication, and the list goes on. The bottom line is people never talk to each other anymore and this entire lack of communication between the two ends up completely separating them. In the old days your spouse was the number one thing in your life. You may have had a job, or some nice material possessions, but they were second. Nowadays your car comes first, or working long hours at work, anything for money. In our history class in school this was called “keeping up with the Jones”. Well, you know what? Fuck the Jones and concentrate on your life and try to be happy with what you have and WHO you have. Now, back to the marriage part of this, whatever happened to death do us part? Now I don’t mean like OJ Simpson, I just thought marriage was supposed to mean something. I have a totally new outlook on this that will hopefully solve this problem.
Rule number one: Divorce is only granted in cases of proven abuse-physical or mental.
Now for all these people that claim irreconcilable differences, here is what is in store for you:
UNWEDDING. Here is how this works my little nonbelievers. People that want to split up and weren’t abused, here is your process for an unwedding. You need to return to the same place you were married, be it a church, chapel, courthouse, hot air balloon, porn shop, whatever… You will need to invite all the poor bastards that were at the wedding to your unwedding. The process can only be reversed by the person who married you in the first place. If they are dead, a suitable replacement can be chosen by the both of you. You and your soon to be ex will need to get in front of everyone including mothers, fathers, children, your new 18-year-old lover. You will need to explain to all the spectators why you want out of this marriage. You will each get 10 minutes to explain your side of the story. No lawyers, no fighting, one talks and the other one shuts up and listens. Once you have both had your say, you will give your rings back and agree to not get emotionally involved with each other ever again. One more stipulation to this, if one of you does not want the unwedding, you don’t get it. It must be a mutual decision, kind of like marriage.
Rule number two: All the cool stuff you got for your wedding. Give it back. If you don’t remember what you got and who you got it from, believe me, your guests will remember exactly what they bought for you. Now that you have nothing in your house to fight over, that only leaves the house, vehicles, and possibly a child or two. If you have two vehicles, fine, one for each of you. As for your kids, it’s the same thing; one for each of you. If you only have one kid, a coin toss will do. The house goes with whoever gets the most kids. If you don’t like this idea do something you haven’t tried before, talk it out with each other. Wow, communication can be so cool huh?
Rule Number three: If for some reason this unwedding doesn’t work, then I have devised an iron clad backup plan. A duel. Not a gun duel, although that would solve shit awfully quick. This would be any sort of competition you two would agree upon; in the event you can’t agree (surprise, surprise) then each of you pick an event and have a two out of three. The third event would be chosen by a neutral third party. In this day of Reality TV, you could televise this and not only help others, but make a shitload of money also!