Month: January 2004

Holy balls was it cold today. It was somewhere in the area of -30, then with the added wind chill it took us down to -50 or so. What a bunch of bullshit that was. School actually got cancelled here today. Not because it was fucking cold or anything, but because someone unplugged the busses and they wouldn’t start. Now that is hilarious.

There isn’t a whole hell of a lot going on around here lately. The news is just plain boring, and they are telling me shit that I already knew. The president lied, we fucked up etc… Yeah, been there done that, time to move on.

Have you ever had one of those days where everyone at work gets on your nerves? I’m not even talking about your coworkers, I mean the customers. Hey, they always get on the nerves as you can tell by my customer rant page, but today they called in the special forces. All of the “special” people were in today. The guy that sometimes wears aluminum foil on his head was there – singing away in the aisle. The guy that rides his bike all over town, even in the winter was there. Who else joined my party? The fidgety chick, the excessively blinking guy and a few others that I’ve long since forgotten about thankfully. Roll that into the everyday pain in the ass customers and it makes for one hell of a Friday. Luckily I left early. Now I just need to do my taxes so I can get my ass some money back and pay off some bills.

Well, it finally showed up. We must have gotten at least 7″ of snow yesterday and last night. That’s nowhere near as bad as first predicted though. It started out that we were looking at upwards of 12″, so I guess what we got is better than that. The only thing that really sucks is that I still have to drive in the shit. Coming home Monday night sucked big time, because I was driving in it. This morning was a little better, but not by much. They had the roads slightly plowed, meaning there was now only one lane cleared out and the passing lane was non-existent. That figures, that is winter in Wisconsin.

What’s up with these rovers on Mars? What in the fuck do they expect to find anyway? So far all they’ve found are rocks! Let’s see, there’s no water on the planet, therefore no life. What the hell else do you think is going to turn up there? Oh look, an old Cadillac. Another waste of $820 million that this country doesn’t fucking have in the first place. Hey, let’s put some more people out of work so we can go look at some rocks on another planet. Hey fuckers, we’ve got rocks right here on Earth if you’d bother looking. For $820 million I think we could have come up with something better to do. Hey, let’s educate some people. Let’s try to stimulate the economy. Let’s go blow up another country that George Bush doesn’t like. All I’m trying to say is maybe we should take care of some of the shit on Earth before we start fucking up another planet. The rovers aren’t coming back either, so right there we’re littering on another planet. $820 million dollars worth of litter.

Hey, another weekend shot to hell. At this very moment snow is moving in from Minnesota towards Wisconsin. I knew we couldn’t trust those bastards in Minnesota. We’ve been under a winter storm watch since Friday night and it still hasn’t snowed yet. What in the hell is that all about? This is about as bad as a hurricane watch and warning. Hey, we know some shit is going to happen, we just don’t know when or exactly where yet. Let’s panic everyone first though in the interest of safety. As of tonight now they have upgraded the winter storm watch to a winter storm warning. Shit, that means something doesn’t it? I think it means we’re fucked. Once again though they don’t really know what is going to happen. They know there is snow there, but they haven’t quite figured out the path it’s on yet. I wish I had the flexibility like that in my job. Yeah boss, I’m gonna be there… probably sometime in the next day or so. I don’t really know how long I’ll stay and exactly what I’m going to get accomplished, but it could be as much as 8 hours worth. Damn meteorologists anyway.

I see Butterfly Effect took top spot at the box office. I think I’d actually like to go see that movie. I’m definitely not an Ashton fan by any means, but the movie looks pretty good. Of course I say that about a lot of different movies and then my cheap lazy ass waits until it comes out on video and I rent it. No sense paying that kind of money to go watch a movie with a room of strangers and eat overpriced popcorn when you can wait six months and watch it with cheap microwave popcorn in your house with a few friends in your damn underwear. Ok, I don’t actually watch movies in my underwear when there are people over. Guess you’ll never know unless you come over and watch a movie with me.

I’ve been on Atkin’s for almost a year now, and in that time I’ve seen this program go from a controversial diet to “THE DIET” to be on. Working in retail I can tell, this is the fucking thing. That is great that I can now buy all these new foods that are pouring into the market with their low carb claims, but how can I honestly trust them? Here’s my deal with all this. One of my main reasons for being large is because I like to eat sweet stuff. Fuck that, I love to eat sweet stuff. One of the main benefits on this plan is that I don’t eat all that sweet stuff at anymore. Now every company and their damn brother are inventing a supposedly low carb candy and snacks for us to enjoy. Even Frito-Lay is getting into the game. What in the fuck do they know about anything even remotely healthy? (sorry Twy) They are going to roll out some Doritos and Tostitos that only have 9 Grams of carbs per serving instead of the 18 found in the normal brand. Whoopty fucking doo. As stupid as that sounds to me, this is even stupider. Diet Pepsi has started to push the fact that they have Zero Carbs in their product. That’s really nice, but your product is still made with Aspartamine which isn’t even allowed in the Atkin’s plan. Better try a little harder next time. Another funny thing is the alcohol side of it. The hard liquor companies pitching their shit with zero carbs in it. Yeah, that’s healthy. Geez Dave, you’re wasted. Yeah, but I’m still at only 2 carbs for the day! The beer is funny too. Hey, we only have 3 carbs per serving. Well that’s wonderful if you only plan on drinking ONE beer. Let’s see, who in the hell does that? I hate the taste of beer, so if I’m drinking it, it’s so I can get shitfaced. So if I take your piddly 3 carbs and multiply that by the 12 pack I’m going to drink, that will be 36 carbs. There goes the low carb diet. I think I’ll stick to my mad cow for now.

Today when I got to work I found an empty 12 pack of condoms and an empty pregnancy test box. What the fuck is that about anyway? I guess if you are that big of a loser to steal a pack of condoms, I’d rather not have your worthless ass reproducing anyway. That’s all we need in our town is some more worthless parents attempting to raise their equally worthless kids in between their meth manufacturing and drinking and fucking around producing more demon seeds. Here, let me explain it to you and your fifth grade reading level. If you steal the condoms, then what in the fuck do you need the pregnancy test for? Follow me on this now, if you are knocked up, you really don’t need the condoms because you won’t get pregnant again, and if you use the condoms properly in the first place… YOU DON’T NEED THE FUCKING PREGNANCY TEST. Damn people get a little more stupid each day. Maybe they decided to fuck instead of watch the idiot President give his State of the Union (that he has destroyed) Address last night.

I know I missed it. I rented Freddy vs. Jason and watched that last night. That was much better than anything that could spew from GWB’s mouth. I have been a Freddy fan since somewhere around 8th grade, and I really can’t say I’m a Jason fan but I’ve seen a few of the movies. This is the movie that was years in the making. Shit, they were talking about making this movie back when I was still in High School. I think that one might actually make it into my collection. I would like to get the whole Nightmare box set DVD also, but that costs too much at the moment.

Just knowing me should let you know that I usually root for the underdog. Walmart… fuck ’em (if you wonder how I can bitch about Walmart and yet still shop there, that’s something you’ll just have to figure out on your own) Beaurocratic asshole Republicans… fuck em. You get where this is going. I now see that Microsoft is suing a 17 year old who is named Mike Rowe. Mike created a website at http://www.mikerowesoft.com and apparently the people at Microsoft are somewhat pissed off about that. Obviously they sound pretty close to one another, but anyone that can fucking read can tell the difference between the two. Of course finding people that are still able to read is becoming increasingly hard, they can just sound shit out. Microsoft has sicked their lawyers on this kid now and are demanding he relinquish his domain to them. He sent a letter back and asked if they would re-imburse him for his troubles and they (Microsoft) offered him $10. That’s TEN FUCKING DOLLARS. Fight the Power.

I don’t normally do a blog on Mondays, but today must be special or something. I think I usually don’t do one because Monday’s almost always suck; and today’s no different. I actually worked until 5 tonight, which is about an hour longer than I like to on a Monday, but it cuts an hour off another day later in the week. I’m hoping for Friday.

I woke up this morning and it was -29 with the wind chill. I looked out my window but I didn’t see those fuckers from Good Morning America standing in my neighborhood reporting on how cold it was. Nothing was canceled, nothing closed. Life went on as usual because that’s what we do in Wisconsin. It gets cold and we say fuck it and go on with our lives. That just explains why we have such a high consumption of alcohol in this state.

Is it possible to turn on my television anymore without seeing a reality show? I know I’m probably missing quite a few, but after doing a short search online this is what I came up with: Am I Hot, Amazing Race, Anna Nicole Show, Anything for Love, Apprentice, Around the World in 80 Dates, Average Joe, Bachelor, Bachelorrete, Big Brother, Celebrity Poker, Cupid, Dog Eat Dog, Extreme Makeover, Fear Factor, Joe Millionaire, Last Comic Standing, Meet My Folks, Mole, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, Osbornes, Paradise Hotel, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Restaurant, Simple Life, Star Search, Surreal Life, Survivor, Temptation Island, Todd TV, Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, Who Wants to Marry My Mom.

That doesn’t even include all of the stupid hidden camera stunt shows like Punk’d, Jackass, Girls Behaving Badly and so on and so forth. All the Courtroom drama shows such as Judge Judy and the host of other copycats aren’t in there either. Also not included is Trading Spaces and all of its clones like Monster house and Monster Garage and the list goes on and on.

Why in the hell do the television networks not have the ability to create something original. Do they not realize that at some point they are fucking with peoples lives here? Number one, if you are that influenced by money that you want to go on national television and risk embarrassment, you deserve whatever happens to you. Are you that eager for your 15 minutes of fame? Most of these people won’t ever become famous. Now in the case of American Idol, which I consider to be a hybrid between a game show and a reality show, there is at least the possibility of achieving fame. Kelly Clarkson is famous, but that other goofy shit Justin that was a runner up isn’t. He’s not even on the map anymore. You only have two ways to go when you are on a reality series. Famous or Infamous. Most people end up the second. It’s just like any other aspect of life, a few winners and a whole lot of losers. Definitely a whole lot of losers.

I seriously hope this bullshit craze of reality shows is going to come to an end soon. I see that UPN is trying to get into the trend now and are looking at doing a reality show based on an Amish person experiencing life in the big city. Who the fuck is watching this? Certainly not the Amish, and certainly not me. So my plea to all you network cocksuckers is this: Get off your asses and make something original.

Sadly that will never happen because the television is too saturated with shit now. I get quite a few channels and they are pretty much utter shit to me. Lets see, I think I have roughly 7 CNN’s, 4 C-Spans, 7 ESPN’s, and the list keeps going and going. I think I watch TV about 7 hours per week, if that. I have never watched a reality show unless I was at someone’s house and they had it on. I wonder how long before there are shows like Would You Murder This Guy For a Million and stupid bullshit such as that on TV. Don’t worry, it’s coming… of course so is the Apocalypse.

What in the hell was the top story on my news this morning? I turn it on to see them live on the East Coast pissing and moaning about how cold it was. Oh my God, it snowed and now it’s getting cold. We had to close schools and everything because it’s so cold. It was in the single digits and in some places might reach -20 to -30. Well welcome to winter in Wisconsin you fuckers. When it gets so cold that you walk outside and your breath freezes, then you can amaze me; otherwise I’m not too impressed. The newsgirl that was live this morning was out in an ice fishing village with her big ass thermometer (which was reading a balmy 5 degrees) whining about how cold it was. I’m sorry, when was it decided that winter did not mean cold? Why the hell are we so amazed by the fact that it gets really cold in the winter and really hot in the summer? When it gets into the 115 range people start doing news stories about it, meanwhile there area people in Arizona thinking, what’s the big deal, it’s always that hot here. But you know what they say, it’s not the heat it’s the stupidity.

In case you haven’t been keeping up on me, you probably haven’t figured out that I think George Bush is really Satan. OK, maybe he doesn’t have the horns and shit, but I’m sure oil money could get them removed. You can do anything with plastic surgery these days, just look at Michael Jackson. On second thought, don’t look at him. Back to George now, this whole thing with O’Neill saying that they were planning on going into Iraq from day one makes so much sense it almost hurts. I do have a feeling that Paul O’Neill will probably face a very untimely death in the near future. That seems to be the status quo for anyone that goes up against Bush. It will probably look like an accident… but we’ll know. I see that now George wants to go to Mars now. What the fuck for? How many things can you fuck up, are you going for a record here? I know, Saddam hid his weapons of mass destruction on Mars. That’s it.

It’s Tuesday the 13th. I’m sure there’s a ton of shit going on out there, but I’m not too concerned with it all. We had a bomb threat at work Saturday. I wasn’t there of course so I didn’t find out about it until yesterday. I guess they called and said there was a bomb in the front of the store and you better evacuate and then they hung up. What in the fuck is that all about? What a bunch of pussies. If you’re stupid enough to call and say you put a bomb somewhere, then don’t be such a little bitch and carry it out. It was probably someone that was stealing my drugs out of my store and got pissed because they got pulled out from behind the counter. Oh well, fuck it, let’s just keep the extra fun limited to the weekends so I don’t have to participate, got it?

Speaking of weekend fun, I found a picture of Michael Jackson from the interview he did on 60 Minutes, and I thought in his time of courtroom dramas he may need to try and get some endorsement deals going here to help him pay some of these high lawyer fees he is going to be facing and I couldn’t think of a better one than this… If this deal happens, I do expect a little compensation from it. If it doesn’t happen, don’t sue me, I’m more broke than you are. Go ahead and steal the image if you like, that’s why it’s branded.

Well, I put up Valentines on Friday. When I got to work I only had 5 1/2 hours to use before I would hit the dreaded 4-0. My employer does not like us to hit that number and God forbid we would go over it. I left at 3pm which if you’re counting is 6 hours (yeah, I went over by a half an hour). Hey, I had shit to do. I had to get my damn singing hamsters out on the shelves because I’m sure plenty of people wanted desperately to buy them over the weekend.

I was supposed to have an Oneida program starting this weekend and on Thursday it did not show up on our truck. After calling numerous people at the offices I was told that my superiors did not order any for my store. When called on it, it was suddenly called an oversight and we were going to get it on Saturday. Well, I was out of town Saturday and besides I was on overtime as it was, so I sure as hell did not go in there today either. I am hoping it showed up over the weekend but it probably won’t even show up on the truck until tomorrow, if it does at all. That makes tomorrow a wonderful day.

Speaking of tomorrow, you know what else makes it a wonderful day? I now have to mark down all of my Green Bay Packer merchandise. I have pennants, car flags, stickers and all sorts of stupid shit that I now have to lose my ass on because they lost their ass today. Oh well, at least maybe I can clear all of that shit out of my store and hopefully be rid of plenty of merchandise before March when my next inventory is. Mondays are never fun anyway, so hopefully it will be a quick day to say the least. Thankfully I will finally have a short day on Wednesday again. Yes!!!

You know, I haven’t gotten to putting up that Valentines Day shit yet. I’m sure I haven’t ruined anyone’s day yet by not putting it up either. I don’t believe they are lining up to buy it from me or anything. I’ve got too much shit on my list already without worrying about another worthless holiday. This is a total woman holiday anyway, and as we all know; women are crazy.

If you don’t believe that, tell me what the greatest threat to airline security is? It’s not al-Qaida anymore, it’s drunk women. What the hell is going on here with all these women freaking out on the planes? Is it some sort of PMS amplified by the altitude? I think there should be emergency syringes on all airplanes loaded with Pamprin in a liquid form that can be injected directly into these crazy bitches before they completely snap. Maybe this is why we didn’t have a terrorist attack over the holidays. There was a terrorist onboard thinking… well I can’t follow that shit.

As long as we’re on the subject of crazy bitches, we can’t leave out my favorite one. The gal from Ohio (what the fuck is in the water down there Lisa?) who claimed she bought the winning lottery ticket and lost it and the money was rightfully hers. Why have I never thought of that shit? Oh yeah, because I have at least a half a brain – depending on who’s opinion you get. I guess I’m a little baffled about this whole thing. She said she lost the ticket, then the rightful owner claims the prize and she tries to stop the lottery board from paying her. At what point do you go… holy shit, I don’t have any ground to stand on and I’m totally fucked. I guess that happens today, which is a little too late because now she is facing a charge of filing a false police report which is punishable by 30 days to six months in prison and a $1,000 fine. Guess being broke doesn’t look so bad compared to that. If I was the woman that won I would pay this woman’s $1,000 fine just as a subtle slap in the face. Then again, I’m 1/4 asshole.

Please note that my use of the word SIKE in the title of today’s blog does not mean I condone the use of the word, just that I remember when it was used. If you don’t know what that means then you are a young punk. I’m not old… fuckin little bastards with your loud hip hop music blasting…

This week is going by entirely too slow. That’s it, time to complain to someone. I have a slight headache tonight, possibly from the fucking cold ass temperatures we’ve been suffering through. Then again maybe I’m coming down with something. I probably have a slight case of sickofworkitis coming on. Tomorrow I get to set up Valentines. You guessed it, more singing gorillas and hamsters. How the fuck did they become affiliated with a holiday of love. Look honey, I bought you a singing rodent… assume the position.

Have you ever seen something on the news and said to yourself, what in the fuck? There is a company out there that is making artificial testicles to implant in your dog if you’ve had him neutered. Do you really think your dog wants the vet down there with a knife again? All he’s going to do is end up pissing on them. What if he meets a cute female dog and finds out the hard way that much like a Christmas Tree, his balls are just for decoration. This isn’t an ego booster, it’s an ego killer. The thing that kills me is that if you go to the website and look, they actually have a patent on this. I would have loved to be working in the patent office that day when the guy showed up and pitched this idea. “Yeah, I’m going to sell those cheap super balls out of grocery store lobbies to pet owners for $70 a pair and they can have them sewn into their animals crotch. I’m going to be rich.” According to a news story, they’ve already sold 100,000. Launching your own business like that is risky these days, it takes a lot of balls.

Another interesting thing I found was about the poor guy that is going to federal prison for 15 months because he would buy donuts at a bakery, then repackage them and sell them to health stores claiming they were diet. That is too fucking funny to even get into, but you know I will. Robert Ligon, 68, begins a 15-month jail sentence today for claiming, fraudulently, that his “carob-coated” doughnut contained only three grams of fat and 135 calories. In fact, the chocolate-glazed treat contained a belt-busting 18 grams of fat and 530 calories. Between 1995 and 1997, Ligon bought normal, high-fat rolls and pastries from wholesalers, re-labelled them as low-fat and sold them to American health-food retailers under the name of Nutrisource Inc. I’ve been on several diets in my life, and I know how shitty anything that is low fat tastes. How the hell could these people not know that these were high in fat? I wonder if anyone gained weight because of this. I also wonder why I didn’t think of this shit? I could have been a millionaire by now. First my fake dog ball business is stolen from me, and now my donut scam is out the window too. Fuck. Guess I’ll have to go the reality TV show route.