Porn & Toons

I know that women will cry foul and try and say that they have it rougher because of all that period and pregnancy stuff, but let’s get real about it all. Men really have it rough, let me explain. We like to watch porn, and we like to watch cartoons. To most women this is totally opposite ends of the spectrum and of course, it’s a little too complex for you to understand ladies. As a public service to you I’m going to try and explain it for you. If you think about it, aside from the fucking, there is a lot of similarity in porn and cartoons.

When I turned 18 and was still 3 years away from being able to legally drink, I became legal to do a few other things. Of course, there’s always voting, but come on, I was 18, who gives a fuck about voting at that age? I was also legally able to purchase porn. Movies and books, sucking and fucking, it doesn’t get any better right? Wrong. You have to understand the great buildup of going into a video store to rent a porno movie. It’s almost like you’re going to rob the place, because first off you have to go in and case the joint. You have to see where the porn section is; then check out if there a door on there or beads hanging or those old western type of saloon doors. Next you have to see what section is near the porn section so that if anyone you know happens to walk in the store you can hurriedly run out and pretend you were looking through those movies, otherwise you’ll have to take the lame way out and walk out saying something like… those weren’t the bathrooms. You also have to check out the counter and make sure that number one, nobody is working there that you know. Number two you have to make sure that a male is working the counter. Once you have it all planned out you have to get a minimum of two non porn titles. This is essential to get those before walking into the dirty room. Now it’s go-time, much like crossing the street you have to look both ways and duck into the room. You have to pan and scan the entire room because you obviously can’t just grab the first title you see, but then again you can’t stand there for hours trying to decide which movie to get. Once you make your decisions this is where your other two movies come into play; you put one on either side of your dirty movie because then people won’t know what a sinner you are. Of course, by the time you get up to the counter to rent, the guy you saw is either on lunch or gone home and you have to deal with the female clerk. You can’t even talk your way around that one. You walk up to the counter with your two normal movies on either side of the copy of Hot Sluts Volume 34 thinking that it will even everything out. Let’s be honest here, you haven’t even watched Hot Sluts Volumes 1 through 33 now, have you? But you’re not thinking about that; you’re just thinking that two normal movies will even out that one porno you rented. It doesn’t of course; but the clerk says nothing because she has to deal with perverts like you every day.

The same type of attitude applies to buying a dirty magazine. If it was at a porn shop, then at least you were surrounded by even worse perverts then you and you could almost get away guilt free. The hard part is when you wind up in a gas station and see the title of a dirty book you haven’t acquired yet and would very much like to buy. Hell, even if it was something tame like a Playboy or a Penthouse you would have go in, get your bottle of pop and maybe some gum… to even it out; then grab the magazine and throw it on the counter and have your money ready so you could just get the hell out of the store before you made eye contact with the clerk. Once again, if the clerk was a woman you had to hope to god she didn’t say anything, because you know as soon as you made eye contact with her the guilt would start pouring on.

I know ladies, you’re reading this thinking how horrible men are of course totally forgetting that you’ve had more bones buried in you than Rin Tin Tin’s backyard. The other thing you are probably wondering is what the hell this has to do with cartoons. Well, let’s fast forward about 12 years, shall we?

Now the porn man is in his 30’s. He’s had his fair share of porn, had some good sex, and may even be married. In fact, if he’s married, sex is probably no longer a concern. As far as porn goes, it’s no longer needed, any hot chick on television has the same effect, and she doesn’t even have to be naked. The man in his 30’s will probably either have his own children or have friends with kids and therefore will however be exposed to cartoons. A woman will watch a cartoon with a child just so the child feels like they are sharing the experience. The man however will not only watch the cartoon, but he will also get into it. In fact, it really doesn’t matter if the kid is watching, as long as they shut up until the commercials come on. Maybe you were babysitting, and you really got into the Rugrats or some other cartoon and now you just have to know what’s going to happen next. Well of course the only saving grace in all of this with cartoons is to take your child with you when you rent a movie. Now if you don’t have any children of your own, and let’s face it, look at you, who’d have sex with you, you’re in your 30’s watching the fucking Rugrats. Anyway, the way around this is to borrow a child from one of your friends that do have children. That way you look like the hero adult renting a cartoon for the kids.

However, in the case that you don’t have any kids to borrow for a trip to the video store, memories of renting porn 12 years ago begin to creep into your head. First thing is you need to go to a video store that you don’t normally rent at, that way you save face at your normal renting spot. You walk into the video store and look around and make sure no one you know is in there. Then you have to scope out the kids’ section and see what is close to it so you can make that jump in case anyone you know walks in. It’s very hard to be checking out the kids’ section and have someone walk up and say… “hey, I didn’t know you had kids” and then you have to say “I don’t”… and hang your head in shame.

The next thing you have to do is check out the video counter and hope that there is a middle-aged man up there working and God forbid not a woman. Women just don’t understand that men need cartoons. In fact, you would think they would understand since they are always telling us how immature we are and how we should grow up; you would think they would accept that we like cartoons. They don’t, however. Much like renting a porno in your earlier days, you need to find about two other normal movies to rent to go along with the cartoons. Maybe if you slip it in between your copies of Godsend and The Matrix she’ll never know.

Once you get to the counter, you’ll realize that the woman working there knows you from a while back and will see the cartoon and start grilling you with oh so innocent sounding conversation like… oh how old is your son? Then since she kind of knows you, you’ll have to throw some far out lie to her. Well see, I don’t have a kid, but my um, 4th cousin once removed is supposed to stop over tomorrow with her kids and they said they really like this movie so I’m going to get it just in case they show up; but it’s definitely not for me.

She’s going to see right through that line of bullshit as she gives you a glare and then reminds you rather loudly that you haven’t rented there for over 12 years, and you won’t be able to rent until you pay the $6 late fee on Hot Sluts Volume 34 that you apparently kept for an extra 3 days.