That’s Pathetic

Late at night I’m often stuck watching some lame infomercial on TV because for whatever reason I seem to wake up around 3am and can’t fall back asleep. The perfect remedy to fall back asleep is not to count sheep, but to bore yourself into oblivion. That’s where the infomercial comes into play. So here’s how the scenario plays out. I wake up around 3 and I stumble into the bathroom and do whatever I need to after sleeping for a few hours. I come out and I lay back down and I realize that I’m no longer tired like I was earlier. I figure hey, why not just flip on the TV for a little while and then I’ll lull my sorry ass back to sleep in no time. After 3am there really isn’t any real programming on to keep me interested, I might as well watch an infomercial and that will knock me right out. Well, I flip on the TV and I usually go to bed after watching something on Comedy Central so when I turn the TV back on I’m instantly watching an infomercial for Girls Gone Wild. No shit, every night like clockwork it’s on Comedy Central. So there’s no way I’m going to watch that shit, I’ll be up all night; maybe even awake.

Time to flip the channel. Well, that’s interesting, some guy named Esteban that I’ve never heard of is selling a guitar and lessons. Wow, I always wanted to learn to play the guitar; shit, I better watch some of this. Ok, got sidetracked, wanted to fall asleep so I better find something more boring. Make more money… blah, skip that one. Oooh, check out that piece of exercise equipment that I’ll never use in my life. Damn, exactly how many different machines are there for you to work on your abs these days anyway? So I decide to do a count of how many different machines there are and at 4am there are three different ones. I keep flipping because I have to be up in a couple hours and I don’t need this shit.

Suddenly I come across a new one that I haven’t seen before for the Magic Bullet. When I first heard the name I thought it was going to be some sex toy, at least that’s what the name sounds like to me. Now the Magic Bullet is some sort of food processor but the part you grind up your food in is also able to be thrown into the microwave and you are going to save time and money if you waste your money on this product. I’ve since seen a couple different promos on this item but the one that sticks out in my mind is the one at the kitchen island with the supposed married couple cooking for some of their stupid friends. Now I don’t know how acting goes in Hollywood and all, but I’m guessing that the hierarchy goes something like this: You work in infomercials and when you hone your skills and prove yourself then they allow you to work in porn. Honestly I’ve seen quite a few stupid infomercials but this Magic Bullet one has got to have some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen. This thing comes with a full size blender and a juicer which I’ve been told is much better than that $200 juicer. The husband makes this fat guy a drink with the juicer and he puts a bunch of vegetables in it. Then he tells the guy that the taste of the fruit will overpower the taste of the vegetables and you won’t even taste it. He put broccoli in the drink ok, he fucking juiced broccoli and god knows what else and tells this fat guy, who the last time he saw a vegetable was when he saw his comatose aunt in the hospital, that he won’t taste it and it’ll be good for him. Let’s just say I didn’t believe the fat guy when he drank the juice. First off he didn’t finish it, he should have chugged the shit because him just nodding his head like a retard didn’t do it for me. I also want to know how he got this hot chick that is sitting next to him. Come on people, a little reality here. The fact is that the entire supporting cast in this infomercial was horrendous. I’ve never seen such a shitload of yes men and women in my life. So of course after watching this infomercial and getting pissed off at the people in it I now realize that it’s 5am.

Well fuck, now the morning news is on and I might as well watch that and see where they send Jessica Miles off to today.