Dollar, Dollar Bill Y’all

Well, check out what I got from the bank the other day. It’s a $2 bill from 1976. My first impression when I looked at it was who in the fuck would mail a $2 bill? You’d have to be a retard to just stick a $2 bill in the mail. Of course, if you check the postmark, you’ll realize that it was 1976 and I believe that the drug usage wasn’t the only thing that was high if you know what I’m saying. Well, being the inquisitive sonofabitch that I am, I had to do a little research and figure out why this bill was postmarked.

There’s good news and bad news about that whole deal; the bad news is that the bill is not worth enough to let me quit my job and live in the lap of luxury. Hell, it’s not even worth enough to let me buy an MP3 player the size of a pack of gum. In fact, that’s about all it’s worth, a pack of gum… a $2 pack of gum (you know, the good shit that you don’t ever buy for the kids?)

The good news about the whole thing is that I did indeed find out why someone postmarked this bill. The date on the bill was April 13, 1976, which from what I read was the day that this bill was released. Apparently, people went out and had these bills postmarked to prove that they were obtained on the day of release. If anyone knows why they did that shit I’d love to know. My only guess would be that television really sucked back then and they were really bored. How do fads like that start anyway? Obviously, it wasn’t just the one person that did the bill I have in my possession now, but many people all over the country did it. All I can really gather is that the $2 bill was out of circulation for so long when it came back people lost their fucking minds and decided to deface the new currency; you know, as a welcome back.

You know what I don’t do a lot? Watch movies in the theater, and I’ll tell you why. With the invention of the DVD I no longer have a purpose of going to the theater. Sure, I can watch the movie before the rental, but come on, I’m a patient guy. I have a nice sized television; ok, it’s only 36” but I have been eyeing up those projectors that can put up to a 10-foot diagonal picture up for you. Oh yeah baby, that’s what I’m talking about. I have surround sound and goddammit I can make popcorn at my house, and I don’t even have to take a loan out for it.

There’s one more downfall to the theater experience I haven’t even mentioned yet, and I feel I should since it’s the biggest deterrent of them all, the other people. They are the fucking worst, and every one of them seems to have a cell phone they so badly need to talk on while they are in the theater. Hey, fuck nut, the phone has two buttons you may not be aware of, one of which you should push now. One is silent and the other is off. Do you think that it is actually possible for you to turn your telephone off and sit in peace and quiet for the entire 89 minutes this film lasts? You know, it’s not all the cell phone assholes either, sometimes it’s just a group of fuckers and they’re talking, talking too loudly. I think for me to enjoy the theater scene anymore they really need to bring back ushers and give them tazer guns. That way if any of these little teeny bop fuckers are talking too much on their cell phone, or the over bred and overweight soccer mom is munching too loudly on her sixth box of candy and slurping too loudly on her 128oz jug of Coke, then the usher can come over and zap the mother fucker and I can continue to watch my movie in peace and quiet. Fuck it, I’ll just wait for the DVD to come out.