It’s Independence Day

Yes, I’ve noticed that not only have I not been blogging as much lately as I have in the past, I also noticed that for the past two years I didn’t blog on the 4th of July. That’s how traditions get fucked up. Speaking of traditions on the 4th, that would have a few different things involved with it. But the only one I care about is that my neighbors must shoot off loud obnoxious fireworks after it gets dark out. Of course it is summer time, and guess when it gets dark out? At almost 10 o’clock at night, that’s when. I think when we established all of these holidays back in the old days we fucked up a little bit; so I’m proposing a little change, or should I say exchange.

We need to swap out Independence Day with Christmas. Now hear me out and listen to the benefits before you start complaining.

First off, this would bring a little more sense to the stupid sales you hear about when they say “Christmas in July”. You see; now the only thing these people would be lying about was the quality of their products because Christmas would actually be in July. Another thing would be that you will get much better shit in July than in December. Wouldn’t it be nice to go through a Christmas without getting another fucking homemade sweater from your Aunt? Think about it, all the cool summer things you could get, all the toys that your kids could actually go out and play with. There is also the benefit of being able to go outside and escape from the family that is now driving you nuts. Anything cool that you might get for Christmas you now have until 10pm to enjoy before you have to think about going to sleep. Just think, you will no longer have to travel in the middle of winter and risk certain death on the icy roads. I’m sure there are many more benefits that you could enjoy by having Christmas in July, but let’s move to Independence Day in December.

The first benefit is that it gets dark around 4pm and your degenerate neighbors can now light off their fireworks well before you go to sleep. Another benefit is that your ground and roof are most likely covered with snow so if one of those illegal fireworks that cousin Jeb brought back from Mississippi lands on your roof, it probably won’t cause any fires. You don’t have to worry about mosquitoes biting you outside; in fact nothing will be biting you in December aside from a possible stray rabid dog or perhaps frostbite. Hey parents, think about this one here… your kids won’t be home for two weeks over the last week in December anymore because it’s only a one day holiday. That’s right, no scrambling with daycares to figure out what to do with those pesky children for the two weeks. The benefits keep pouring in and I see no negatives here either.

A side plus is that all those other holidays at the end of the year can do a little more shining. Hanukkah and Kwanzaa can share the end of the year without Christmas breathing down their neck… just a few fireworks.