Hey, it’s Christmas Eve, guess I better get shopping. I’m joking, I finished up last night. There is nothing more fun that seeing a bunch of last minute bastards shopping for relatives. Luckily I knew what I wanted to buy so I just went in and got it, unlike that guy trying to decide between the Toilet Bowl Brush and the Swiffer for his wife.
I do have some sad news. Jesus once again found out about his surprise birthday party tomorrow. I don’t know which one of you told him but I’m really disappointed. Maybe next year we can pull it off. It’s so hard to surprise someone who is all knowing. Just curious, what did you get for Jesus? It is his birthday you know. You didn’t even get him a card did you?
With the holiday upon us, shit it’s today, who has time to be unhappy? I tell you who, the cows. The fucking cows. They have found a mad cow in Washington. Although I’m not a scientist I will try to explain the whole Mad Cow Syndrome to the uneducated person. When people get pissed off they can usually flip someone off, but a cow really doesn’t have a middle finger, in fact they don’t have fingers at all. All a cow has is a hoof. You can’t flip someone off with only a hoof, it takes fingers and like I said, cows don’t have fingers, they instead have four stomachs, and probably ulcers in each one because they can’t release their aggression. Now that we’ve figured this out, you might be asking why would a cow be mad in the first place. I’m not an expert in the whole cow field here, but if I had to venture a guess I would say because we keep fucking eating them. How would you like to be raised on a farm and fed really well to one day be selected and think, damn I must have won a prize, only to be led off to be turned into rump roast and hamburgers. I’m sure the leather boots don’t impress the cow much either. I guess if I found out I was a walking fast food diner with clothing options, I might be a little pissed off too. You can only take the pressure for so long before you finally crack. Luckily for me and my Atkins diet, they haven’t found any Mad Chickens, so I’m safe for a while.