An Open Letter to Subway…

Dear Subway,
I have enjoyed your fine restaurants for many years; however I have run into a few problems in the recent past. Here’s my first problem, my town only has about 8000 people in it, but for some reason we have 3 Subway’s. The other problem; I know you guys are all excited when you premiere a new sub and don’t have to use Jared to try and sell people on the health side, but maybe you need refresher courses on how to make some of your older so called “classic” subs. While you are hyping up your new mega subs or whatever the hell your marketing department pulled from their ass this month, you’re people are forgetting how to make the other subs. You pull them in the back and say… this is the new sub, here’s how to make it… don’t fuck it up now. Then here I come and I don’t want your new steak fuck cheese sub or whatever it is, I just want my good reliable Subway Melt. It’s not too hard to make it, it’s just whichever bread I want, you put some turkey on, some ham, and bacon and cheese of my choice. At this point you ask if I want you to nuke it or put it in your super nuclear “toaster” oven, which is more like a microwave lined with tin foil.

Like I said, we have three shops in our town, and on any given day I can go to all three, order the same sub and get three different sandwiches. One time I went to the one in Wal Mart, since obviously my day wasn’t sucking enough, and I ordered my sub. For whatever reason the girl put ham, turkey and roast beef on my sub. What the fuck? That’s not even a melt, that’s a club you dumb bitch. Another time I went and she put the bacon in the microwave and left the rest of the sub cold. And exactly which part of “melt” didn’t you understand? I don’t think you can melt the bacon dear, maybe it’s referring to the cheese?? The last time I had this sub I had high hopes, all the right stuff went on it, she actually asked me if I wanted it heated or toasted and I thought, awesome, someone finally got it right. Well, that was until it came out of that nuclear reactor of a toasting oven looking burnt as hell. Maybe I should just go to Quizno’s instead… oh wait, that’s right, they closed down a few months ago. Fuck.

I guess I should just be happy that I haven’t gotten E Coli or something from eating there. With the large rash of recalls of ground beef and frozen pot pies and now the cream of the crop… Totino’s Party Pizzas. What in the hell is up with that? This news totally fucked up my weekend here, telling me that all my frozen pizzas were going to possibly kill me, or at the least, isolate me into the bathroom for many hours of endless water and blood filled shits. You know what Totino’s, when I pay 75 cents for a pizza, I expect a little quality dammit.

Oh, and fuck you Subway, unless you send me lots of coupons, then we can be cool again.