Everyone knows that Christmas is a religious holiday even though non religious people like me celebrate it every year. Now when I say non religious all I’m really saying is I don’t bother with that whole church thing. I’ve never really understood the whole going to church thing myself since I think if you are a truly religious person you don’t need the church. The church only wants your money, plus it’s really hard to pick up chicks in church, although on the plus side, they have a lot of practice screaming ‘oh God’.
As I was saying, I now know why that Christmas is a religious holiday. It’s because taking part in the holiday exposes you to the Seven Deadly Sins and what is more Christian than that? Let’s get to it shall we.
GREED: Come on people, this one is a no brainer here. Every time you are asking for a present you are showing your greed. Yeah, you say you don’t ask for a present but you sure as hell drop hints here and there don’t you. You’re shopping in the store and you see stuff you like and you say, wow… my friend Jerry has that new I Pod over there, that’s really a cool thing, wish I had one too. In fact doing that you just committed a second sin too, but we’ll get to that one next.
ENVY: This is what you get when you are looking at shit that other people have and are thinking about how bad you want what they have. The fact that you’re pining over Jerry’s I Pod makes you envious of him and his stuff and makes you a sinner. This shit even happens at the Christmas parties. You open your shitty sweater and Tom opens up his new set of golf clubs and you stew in the corner with your new attire… that’s envy; sinner.
LUST: I know what you’re thinking, how can lust work into Christmas, unless of course the women like fat guys with white beards and red clothing. Well, aside from that there are other things. First there are the skimpy Santa-like outfits for women at the stores. You know the lingerie type stuff that is hanging on the rack and you walk by and start thinking about who you’d like to see in it? Yeah, lust.
PRIDE: Pride is all over during Christmas. Usually it comes from you putting out enough Christmas lights on your house and in your yard to drain the local power company and cost you enough to feed a homeless family for a month. Once you’re done you stand back with pride and look at your decorated yard… as small planes mistake your yard for a landing strip. That’s pride and you’re a sinner.
WRATH: Wrath comes in many forms at Christmas. The first is the people that don’t get what they want for Christmas. Sure these days you can take back the present the day after Christmas but that means you stand in line for hours which can really bring out wrath. That is another large bringer of wrath; trying to shop in the stores at Christmas time. Anyone who has had to wait in line at the store during the Christmas season definitely has experienced wrath.
SLOTH: Sloth is usually attributed to being a lazy bastard, and many people are during Christmas. However, sloth means more than that, it also means apathy and apathy means you stop caring. Personally I can’t blame people for not caring because after trying to cram all of that fake niceness into a couple weeks around Christmas you really get sick and tired of all of these charities begging for your hard earned money. Just think if you dropped money into the bucket for the needy every time you walked by and the person ringing the bell gave you the guilt trip look… you’d be broke; so you stop caring. You damn sloth.
GLUTTONY: I saved this one for last because I feel it is the most obvious of all sins this time of year. Let’s face it, this time of year we become human vacuum cleaners, eating everything in site. Oh look a new kind of candy, let’s eat it. Oh wow, I didn’t know they made chocolate pumpkin pie, let’s eat that too. It’s so bad that you have to swear for a new year’s resolution that you will go on a diet… you fucking glutton.
See, as great as Christmas is and as many presents as you’ll get, you’re still nothing more than a sinner… seven times over.
Merry Christmas Everyone!
