I’d Rather Shit at Home

So I’m browsing the internet looking for news of people that have much more misfortune than I do and I come across a wonderful story about a guy in Maryland that went into Wal Mart and took a shit and got stuck to the toilet. The story doesn’t say that he was shitting but I’m using all of my knowledge I have gained from watching programs like CSI to gather that he was since he was indeed sitting down… unless he pees like a girl. I am also using my knowledge to say he really had to shit bad because if on the rare occasion I actually use a public restroom the first thing I do before I sit my ass down is to look at what I’m sitting on. If there was glue on the toilet seat then wouldn’t you think it would have been visible? What kind of glue was this anyway? I would think that even if it wasn’t seen right away, as soon as your ass touched it you would have felt it and stood right back up thinking, whoa, what the hell is on my ass? I know I would have anyway. Nope, apparently this guy must have decided to read a paper or make a cell phone call because he became attached to the toilet seat… literally. Then he had to bang on the walls of the stall and hope someone would come to his aid. I’m glad I wasn’t there, what do you say in a situation like that? Dude, courtesy flush and spray some Lysol, I’ll come back and check on you in a half an hour. It also said that this happened on a Sunday night which means had he not been found that night he would have been out of luck until Tuesday because half of Wal Mart’s janitorial workforce was probably out marching in the streets trying not to get deported.

What the fuck was that about anyway? I didn’t pay too close attention to the news of this but what was the deal there, immigrants taking to the streets and not shopping or working because they want to show us how valuable they are? You know, for a long time at my old job I would have loved to take the day off and walk the streets to show them how valuable I was, but I didn’t, know why? Because I would have gotten fired!! Oh well, it would have beat being taken out of Wal Mart on a stretcher face down with a cloth over my ass conspicuously shaped like a toilet seat.