As I’m listening to the news on the radio at work today I hear that someone is going on a hunger strike because of something on American Idol. I didn’t get to hear the details so I had to come home and read them online in order to fully understand what we’re dealing with here in this time of crisis.

Apparently some lady is going on a hunger strike until someone named Sanjaya (hey lady, my spellchecker doesn’t like that name either) is voted off American Idol. So what she does is gets herself a MySpace page (oooh, fucking original there) and tells how she is not going to eat anything until this kid is voted off. You know, not since Gandhi went on a hunger strike to protest Britain’s occupancy of India have I seen such a worthy cause.

Luckily there is nothing of real importance going on in this country and she can do a protest like this. I mean if there was a war that our soldiers were dying in every day or a president that over half the population didn’t like or large companies fucking up our environment or if AIDS and Cancer weren’t cured yet, then surely you wouldn’t want to do a protest like that because you’d look like a… um, what’s the word?

Oh yeah, Media Whore. Luckily for her though, that position did open up on February 8th of this year.

I guess I didn’t really realize it last week but it’s been over a year since I put in my notice at my old job. Ah the memories of last year.

The weather has changed suddenly. We were looking at snow flurries last week. Why is it when the weather person says we are going to have flurries or a “dusting” we usually get a few inches and when they predict an accumulation it ends up being an actual “dusting”. Anyway, we are in the low to mid 50’s now which is awesome. Sure there isn’t much warmth in that temperature; hell an unplugged refrigerator can do that.

I am going to have to go do something with my car this weekend. I am finally sitting with no damaged body parts as of right now so I need to do some cleaning up. The exterior needs to have some 3M tape removed from it, so I’ll be rubbing down my car with mineral spirits this weekend. You can tell from my tone of writing that I’m overjoyed can’t you? I also am going to have to clean out the interior because there’s more dust in there than Bea Arthur’s vagina.

I see I made it another impressionable 15 days without posting anything which makes me wonder where I spend all my time. I do have a large amount of homework, but I really don’t think it should affect my ability this badly. Anyway, speaking of 15 days ago I mentioned something about Vista. Alien had commented about the security and the EULA and the DRM issues so I looked it up and I guess I’m glad I didn’t upgrade to Vista. I don’t have illegal software on my computer or anything, but I really don’t feel it appropriate for my operating system to be checking up on me and most likely reporting me if I did have something questionable on my computer. Besides, I share my dirty pictures with no one… no one, not even you Vista.

I like the looks of Vista, the colors, the lack of blue and green, the side bar thing I would probably never use. All of that crap is kind of cool. Of course I downloaded the official Vista checker from Microsoft to see if my computer could handle the new OS. I knew it could, I am still running a 2.4GHZ machine with 2.5GB of ram and all of that happy shit so I wasn’t worried about that.

The problem I did have is that it flat out told me that my HP scanner would not work in Vista. I went to HP’s website to see if they had a driver coming out in the future for my scanner. When I went to their website I found this wonderful nugget of information:

We are sorry to inform you that there will be no Windows Vista support available for your HP product. Therefore your product will not work with Windows Vista.

The majority of HP products not supported in Windows Vista are beyond seven years old.

If you are using the Windows Vista operating system on your computer, please consider upgrading to a newer HP product that is supported on Windows Vista.

Well this is a bunch of bullshit here. Not only will Vista not support my scanner, but neither will the company that makes them. If I scanned all of the time and used the scanner everyday then I wouldn’t have any problems dropping some money on a new (most likely non-HP) model; but the problem is that I don’t use it every day and it would be a waste of money to spend on something I use roughly seven times a year. But Dave, why don’t you just go without a scanner since you never use it. Why, because I have one now. A perfectly good one now and I don’t think I should have to spend a lot of money on a brand new one (don’t ask why I’m not willing to spend on a scanner when I had considered spending over 100 on Vista).

Another problem I have with this system is that it’s new. Sure it lingered around being tested over and over under the name Longhorn but come on now, this is Microsoft we’re talking about. I only need to think back some time ago when I had rushed out to upgrade my shitty Windows 98 to the newfound glories of Windows ME. Ah, those were the days let me tell you. ME was supposed to be what XP is, reliable. I don’t think my computer had ever crashed as many times as when I put ME on it. I couldn’t believe that shit because up until I upgraded my computer had never had a Kernel error.

So, my dilemma continues… I want the newest of new but when I looked at what I did versus what Vista will do for me, I opted out. In fact, the coolest thing I liked about Vista was the black taskbar. Come on now, if you’ve been using XP for any length of time you know you’re sick of the color scheme there. Sure, you can change that kindergarten blue and green over to a silver scheme or an olive-green scheme or god forbid, the “classic” Windows style. Well, I’ve been searching the internet for a way to get my black bar in XP. I didn’t even care if it looked just like it did now and was just black, I wanted another color choice. I looked all over and saw a few secondary programs I could buy but like we covered before… I’m a little cheap. I did find some nice articles about switching out my Uxtheme.dll file to allow non-Microsoft themes to be used. The price for that? Free. And I got my black bar too.

Do you remember the glory days of the Big Mac? If you’re 28 or older you probably know the song even. Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onion on a sesame seed bun. I had a Big Mac not too long ago. They still taste the same to me, I still like them, but the Big Mac is now much more than a sandwich; it’s a comparison.

Whenever a product comes out they use the Mac to compare themselves to. If a competitor comes out with a new burger that they think is king, then they will compare it to the Big Mac and tell you how much more their version has. Hey, our burger has 20% more beef than the Big Mac and a better sauce too. That’s just great, so if I eat this then I’d be much better off eating your burger right? Wrong, you fuckers forgot the middle bun. It isn’t a Big Mac if you don’t have the middle oddball bun.

The other comparison I always hear now is when the dangers of food are discussed. This has twice the fat of a Big Mac or some bullshit comparison along those lines. Then another comparison will come out telling you how good their product is because it has half the fat of the Big Mac. Where do you get off implying that the Big Mac is full of fat? Sure it has two burgers and three buns and a host of other shit in it, but don’t compare yourself to the good old Big Mac. In fact, I think that McDonald’s should increase the fat of the Mac and make it something to really contend with, and I’ve got a plan right here. McDonald’s is experiencing a decline in sales lately with health conscious Americans so I think maybe they should expand where there is no concern for health… State Fairs. What they can do is bring the Big Mac, and many of their other menu items to the fair. Here’s the good part, you insert a stick into the burger, then you coat it with some sort of coating and you deep fry that fucker. Deep fried McDonald’s food on a stick would make a killing at the fair (in more ways than one).

Hey, the good news going on here, we’re getting a shitload of snow this weekend. When I say good news, I mean bad news because even though I don’t post as often as I used to, the rules still apply; I hate winter and I drive a Mustang, and it hates winter also. Speaking of my Mustang, I have it fixed, actually got it back last Friday the 17th. I had the fender fixed and then I paid out of pocket to have the bumpers replaced so I could have a car that wasn’t all fucked up for a while. Of course now I’m scared to drive it. On the plus side it has less than half the fat of a Big Mac.

So I dropped my Mustang off at the Ford place on Monday to have my lovely problems fixed. I am getting the fender and the front bumper replaced and I’m also going to pay out of pocket for them to replace the back bumper also as long as it’s in there and the paint is all mixed up. I’m not sure how my original quote for the back bumper a few years ago was over $1,000 but now they can add this one in for only $350. Well, whatever the reasoning, I took the deal because it’s the cheapest way I can think of to fix up my car. Did I mention that my loaner car is a 2006 Taurus? That’s what I’m driving, the big willie pimpin’ 4 door Taurus. It’s actually a nice car and all; it just really isn’t my style I guess. Nuff said about that. Onto more pressing matters that are taking the nation by storm…

Anna Nicole Smith’s death. Actually I don’t want to talk about her death because everyone else is doing that. I would just like to pose a question, not just about her but everyone, although famous people to more of an extent. Why is it that when someone dies they suddenly become saints? When she was alive all you would hear about was how she was doing stupid stuff and she was loopy and most likely high or drunk and a slut. Suddenly she dies and everyone that is reporting on her mentions that she led a troubled life. Poor Anna led a troubled life. What the fuck is that all about? Someone dies and it’s time to start treating them nicely? Why don’t we treat the people nice when they are alive and then rip into them when they’re dead? It would make much more sense that way because hey, the fuckers already dead. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me… especially if I’m already dead.

The other part of this is the baby thing. How many men are going to step up and say… yeah, I fucked her. None of these bastards have that baby’s interests in mind, just the fact that that little shit might be worth millions. Maury Povich is probably shaking his head at this. On his show he can’t get any of the men to even claim to be the father, here there’s a bunch of guys lined up trying to claim responsibility. With all of these guys claiming to be the father, I really only see one possible solution and no, it’s not a DNA test. I think the only way that you can solve this ordeal is the good old fashioned American way… with a reality TV show. We could call it Anna Nicole’s Baby Daddy and have every guy that has slept with her in the last year or two and put them on an island in the middle of nowhere.

What else is going on around here? What, you want to know more about my reality show idea? That was it, round them up and drop them all off on a deserted island. No TV cameras or anything, just ridding the states of more rubbish. I could win an Emmy for that.

So I had a blog pretty much planned out last night in my head that I was going to write. There was probably going to be the typical bullshit about how much I hate the groundhog and things of that nature. Of course this year the groundhog didn’t see his shadow and that means an early spring apparently. That is Punxsutawney Phil though that we’re talking about. I don’t know what the Wisconsin groundhog saw, most likely his life flash before his eyes because it was so fucking cold here he most likely froze to death right after emerging from his hole.

Anyway, when I say I was rudely interrupted I’m talking about having my car ran into last night. I have a picture link in my last blog entry if you’d like to see what happens when a pickup truck and a Mustang collide.

What was I rudely interrupted on? Well, I had went out to the local store and bought myself a copy of Microsoft Office 2007. I had Office XP installed on my computer and since I started my new job I’ve been using the 2003 edition which blows the XP version out of the water. So I decided I might as well give myself an upgrade here. I also did not have PowerPoint in my XP suite so I decided that if I was going to upgrade that I would go for the small business version and get me some PowerPoint action going on there too. Yeah I know, exciting life of a student/working person.

So, the groundhog didn’t see his shadow, why do you ask? Because he was too busy breaking my fucking car. I’m too pissed at the moment to write a full blog, so go ahead and check it out yourself.

I know, the first month of 2007 is over half done and I’m just welcoming it in and all, but let’s be fair here… I didn’t know if it was going to stick around or not. I’m not going to commit to 2007 until I’m sure it’s going to stick around for a while. I think it’s pretty safe it will so now it’s official… welcome 2007.

The weather has finally become more winter like here for us. We have had to suffer almost two inches of snow now, which is horrible. Well, honestly that is a blessing up in these parts considering that it is snowing, icing and blowing pretty much everywhere else. Even California has gotten in on the winter scene. You know what I think about that shit, if they want to steal our cheese and run commercials on TV about being the cheese state then they can have the weather that comes with it. You’re not the cheese state California; you’re the orange state or something, although all your shit is freezing now so you’re not really that either.

Well, what have I been doing in my absence of the first 20 odd days of this year? I’ve been steadily going through all of my emails and deleting all of my spam. I’ve been thinking about spam and you know, it’s kind of nice to get spam once in a while. I hardly ever get anything but the odd joke from my friends in email but the spammers… they really care. The spammers want me to lose weight, get a good house loan, and have a 24 hour erection… I mean come on; if that’s not caring I don’t know what is. None of my friends care about any of that. The spammers are determined too, they keep telling me what they want to do for me. They want to make me a lean mean fucking machine… and isn’t that what resolutions are for?

Wow, that was a fun year wasn’t it? I think I managed to blog a little over once a month if I was lucky which makes me wonder… what the fuck happened to me in 2006?

Let’s see how my year ran down. January was pretty much normal for the year. I started my year much like I ended 2005. I was working in retail as a pricing manager and still pretty much hated my job. I’d have to say as far as the last many years go, January was the closest to any of them.

February was the beginning of the changes to come that would shape my year out. I got my new phone in February which to my surprise is still alive and kicking to this day. Towards the end of February my grandma died of lung cancer. That was kind of weird because she had been repetitively sick with pneumonia the last two years and the nursing home would just say oh well and have her put on antibiotics. Then finally a doctor decided to look into the whole “recurring” part of this and that’s when the tumor was found and it was only a week later that she died. February did have an upside to it though, and that was the prospect of getting the fuck out of retail… enter March.

Ah, March… blue skies, Barthy burgers, girls. (If you don’t get that reference, then there’s nothing I can do to help you.) Anyway, March comes along and on the 15th I get to do something that I had dreamed about for quite some time… give my notice at my place of business. Honestly, if you never have in your life… you must. There is no greater feeling at work then letting the people that are your bosses know you’re on your way out the door.

The whole rest of the year pretty much revolved around me working my new job and taking classes for my new job. My blogging slacked because of it, but it’s a small price to pay for my sanity.
I actually enjoyed the holidays this year. I wasn’t out singing carols to people or anything like that but I did notice that for the first time in a long time they didn’t feel overbearing. Of course I also had a shitload of days off around the holidays which is the first time that’s ever happened since I was just a jobless slacking kid in school.

I guess the only thing I have to do now is sit around and see what 2007 will have in store for me.

I feel so honored because I didn’t realize that I was even in the running for this award, I guess that’s what makes this feel so special to me. I am walking through the store and I see Time Magazine sitting there naming the person of the year, and who did they name? They named me, that’s who. Sure, the magazine technically said “YOU”, but come on, they were talking to me, I was the one reading it, and when someone says you to you then you have to assume they are talking about you, don’t you? If they meant everyone like some people (whom we’ll call “the losers”) say, then the magazine would have said all of you, or Y’all for the southern editions. What about them or they, you know they could have used a plural of some sort if they really didn’t want just me to hold this award.
Well as happy as I am to win that award, there are other things I’m happy about as well. Monday was my last day of classes and I finished with an A. Let’s just say that I was doing some serious stressing on the whole school and homework front the past few weeks wondering if I was going to get done or not, so finishing and not to mention finishing with a good grade is a great feeling. Oh yeah, there is also that whole reimbursement of funds coming from work that makes it feel even better. I’m still trying to decide if I should splurge that money on something cool for myself or not. I know it’s Christmas and all, but I’ve already bought everyone their presents.

I’m sure if you’ve read this blog more than once in your life, you’re well aware that this is my first Christmas in over 16 years that I’m not working retail. What is so amazing about all of that, well I haven’t really figured it out, I guess. I can say I don’t miss the hustle bustle of having everything looking good every morning for customers. In fact, I’m sure if I wanted a fast case of indigestion, I could just read a blog of a year or two ago about all the stupid shit that I went through for that store. But come on, it’s Christmas time, not time to bitch about the past; instead, I’d rather bitch about the present. Oh, now he’s gonna go off about a present he’s getting. Nope, that’s not what I mean, I don’t mean present like gift, I mean present as in “NOW”.

I’m watching a Comedy Central like I normally do and then I see this ad for Christmas music from who do you ask? Was it Bing Crosby, perhaps Gene Autry, maybe even Burl Ives, hell possibly even the Backstreet Boys? No, it was Christmas songs from Twisted Sister. Now I have to admit I liked Twisted Sister back when I was 10 fucking years old. I still have the cassette of Stay Hungry and occasionally listen to We’re Not Gonna Take It or I Wanna Rock, but Christmas music? Come on now. I don’t know… I think it’s a good sign of the upcoming Apocalypse.