Author: David

Sources at CNN have confirmed that Saddam Hussein was captured today in a raid at the Baghdad Mall posing as Santa.

The raid was based on intelligence that Saddam was at a particular location in the area, military officials said. Forces arrived at the mall within three hours of receiving a tip from an Iraqi, and Saddam had no time to move to another mall. The US forces moved easily into the area where due to a lull in Iraq’s economy, there were no security guards on duty at the mall to protect the ousted leader. Saddam willingly identified himself to interpreters and mentioned his plan to pose as a mall Santa in an attempt to rob the establishments there as he saw in the movie Bad Santa.

He was wearing a full Santa suit complete with beard that apparently was real as it did not come off when PFC Benjamin Chileska pulled on it. Officials in Washington were close to capturing Saddam last month at Thanksgiving during President Bush’s secret visit to Baghdad. Apparently, they stopped by the mall so the President could visit Santa, however Santa was out on a lunch break, and they did not see him. “If only we had waited the extra 15 minutes until Santa/Saddam came back, I could have personally captured him…after giving him my Christmas list of course” the President said with a chuckle early Sunday Morning when talking to reporters.

This is a great day for freedom and America, however not a good day for children that were going to ask for Yu-Gi-Oh cards and Care Bears.

When I woke up this morning it was -15 outside. That’s MINUS FIFTEEN in case you are keeping score. Needless to say it was fucking cold. Anyone that doesn’t live in Wisconsin or Minnesota probably can’t even fathom this kind of temperature. Your freezer is probably set from zero to ten degrees depending, so imagine that…but colder. At 32 degrees water freezes. At 15 degrees you lose feeling in your fingers. At -15 you keep thinking to yourself, I have to get the fuck out of here. Some people say that this weather is for the birds, well that’s bullshit. Even the fucking birds are smart enough to migrate south for the winter. My dumbass is stuck in Wisconsin with snot-cicles hanging from my nose and the fucking Robins are down in Florida on the damn beach.

As long as I’m bitching about the weather I might as well keep it up. Snow… We must have about a foot of snow outside now. Obviously with the wonderful temperatures we’ve been blessed with, there is no chance of melting going on. If anyone was wondering, a 2000 Mustang is probably not the vehicle of choice to drive around in the winter. If you’ve ever been stuck at a stop sign then you probably know what I mean. The car won’t even make it up a damn hill if there is snow on it. Now those Weather Channel fuckers are talking about a possible snowstorm coming in next Tuesday, dumping a possible additional six inches on us. All I know is that if I find that bastard that was wishing for a White Christmas, I’m going to kick his ass.

Ahh, Christmas, now I have something to bitch about. We turned our Christmas Music on at work Tuesday. I know it’s rather late considering that most stores have been blaring that shit since Thanksgiving. I have noticed one thing while listening to this. Number one, there are 14 versions of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and 13 of them SUCK. Number two, any Christmas song that has anything to do with Jesus is an instrumental version. Are we afraid we are going to offend someone if we mention Christ? I know Santa kind of took over this mo’ fo’ but the reason everyone celebrates it originated with Jesus. Anyone that knows me can tell you I’m definitely not a religious freak or an avid church goer but this has always been one of the things that pissed me off. If someone is Jewish or Muslim or whatever other religions there are out there that might be offended by a song about Jesus, I’m sure Santa isn’t too high on their list either. Chanukah and Kwanza don’t offend me. Of course I don’t believe anyone ever came up with catchy tunes to celebrate their holidays anyway, aside from Adam Sandler that is.

Once again it has snowed. We’ve received about 4 inches already but there is apparently more on the way. Once again this snow was the thick heavy shit that I love oh so much. My only salvation was my John Deere snowblower. That sunofabitch made short work of all that snow out in the driveway. Nothing feels better than watching your neighbors outside breaking their backs shoveling while you are trimming your driveway like a hot knife through butter. Besides, that neighbor lady is pregnant, she shouldn’t be shoveling anyway.

I see there is a new bill going through Congress to try and limit some of this spam we get. I wish they would do that already. I can only imagine what it would be like not getting an offer to view the Paris Hilton sex tape every two days. I can’t even count how many times I’ve been offered a 3″ extension on my penis. Let’s just say I’ve been offered it so many times that if I would have taken them up on half of the offers you could jump rope with the sunofabitch… at least until I got excited.

Speaking of my friends in the Government, I was reading that the Secret Service were going to investigate Eminem. That was yesterday and now they have decided that he isn’t a threat to George. All he said was Fuck money/ I don’t rap for dead presidents/ I’d rather see the president dead/ It’s never been said, but I set precedents. Why in the hell would that be taken as a threat? Well I guess it isn’t very well known, but John Wilkes Booth had just finished cutting a record about killing the president shortly before he shot and killed Abe Lincoln. It’s also not well known that Lee Harvey Oswald had an underground recording about shooting the president which was circulating a week or two prior to JFK’s death. Maybe there is a connection here. I’m just waiting for the retaliation dis to come from George Bush. Someone get the president a microphone so he can bust a rap on Eminem. Maybe he can get Benzino to make a guest appearance. This should be good.

Another weekend finished. Monday tomorrow. You know the drill, Monday sucks… blah blah blah. Now that we have the technicalities out of the way we can move on to some more serious shit. I was at a restaurant this weekend with my mom and a few other people. On the radio network there were some oldies playing and they (old people) were talking about how this was a good song and it was their favorite back when they were my age. I just shook it off at first, then I started to think about it. When I’m in my 50’s and I’m in a restaurant with my kids or grandkids and they are playing old music, can you imagine what it’s going to be like. Hey kids, hear that, that’s Nelly. Sing it with me… It’s gettin hot in here, so take off all your clothes. Stop crying Billy.

I guess it’s one of the things I think about now that I’ve reached that 30 plateau. Have you ever been flipping through the channels and you wind up on VH1 Classics, and it’s shit you listened to in school? Damn that’s creepy. In my last 30 years I’ve realized a few things that determine if you are old or not. Shit that used to be cool when you were younger has come back as cool once again. Bell bottoms came back a few years ago, but I wasn’t around for the first time, so it didn’t matter, but those people who got it the second time around sure felt it. When something like that comes back, at first you feel really good that a trend has returned. Unfortunately you then realize exactly how old you are to see the second coming. I’ve seen the stupid pants with pockets all over come back, the Rubiks cube, Garbage Pail Kids, those stupid ass snap bracelets, He-man, the Transformers, the fucking Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake and the list goes on and on. Are we so out of ideas that we must recycle this old shit again? At least shit like Spongebob although stupid is original. Now that I think about it, Spongebob is nothing more than a dumbed down version of The Snorks, which was a rip off of The Smurfs. Does it ever end? What’s next, someone gonna come back with Acid Wash Jeans? Let’s pray that doesn’t happen although all it will take is Brittney Spears buying a pair of pants at Goodwill and wearing them on TV, then we’re all fucked.

It’s Friday. You know, it’s getting to the point where it isn’t really all that exciting anymore. It used to be yeah, Friday, no work for two days. Now it’s whoa, it’s Friday, another week wasted. Christmas is now 20 days away. I’m about 90% done with my Christmas shopping already. That’s pretty much unheard of for me. I usually wait until the days at least get into the twenties before I start that whole shopping thing. When you are pressed for time it makes the buying decision a whole hell of a lot easier. When you hear “the store will be closing in 15 minutes and reopen the day after Christmas” then it’s fucking go time! Let’s see, mom could use a toenail manicure set, sure. Oh, Ishtar on DVD for only 9.99. Lets see, I’m sure Tommy lost the Yo-Yo I got him last year, he can have a red one this year. So you see, I’ve lost the last minute shopper gifts this year and actually put some thought into what I was buying. Fuck, I hope I don’t set a precedent here.

Is it just me or is the news getting more fucked up? Actually it isn’t the news, it’s the stupid bastards that the news is reporting on. A woman in Texas ran over the manager of Mc Donald’s because she couldn’t get Mayo on her cheeseburger. What the fuck did she think she was at Burger King? If you want it your way take your ass to the BK. Jenkins tried to placate her by offering a cheeseburger with mayonnaise, but Nolan continued to make demands until Jenkins finally called police. When she went outside to write down Nolan’s license plate number, Nolan ran her over, breaking her pelvis. Nolan testified that she was putting ketchup on her cheeseburger when she accidentally struck Jenkins. She was putting ketchup on her cheeseburger huh? I thought she wanted fucking Mayo on it. You know, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Customers suck. This is nothing more that concrete evidence of that. I’ve often said you can’t please them, and here is a golden example.

Another year, another sniper…sort of. Apparently there is someone in Columbus, Ohio (hi Lisa) shooting people on or near a stretch of I-270. One or more people are deliberately targeting drivers, but Martin (some cop dude) refuses to use the word “sniper.” Well no shit he refused to use the word sniper. The motherfucker has only hit one person. If you’re trying to be a sniper maybe you should go back to school. Perhaps the shooter needs to go and find a farm somewhere and try and hit the broad side of the barn, and if they can’t, then maybe try crocheting or something. Another reason to not call them a sniper is because this whole thing apparently started in May. That means it has been going on for almost seven months already. This person isn’t even averaging two shots a month; or perhaps they are shooting a lot but they’ve only hit eleven objects thus far. As long as you are that pathetic of a want to be sniper, why don’t you do us all a favor and turn that sunofabitch around, look into the barrel and pull the trigger. Shit, you probably wouldn’t hit anything that way either. What a disgrace to snipers everywhere.

My good friends over at the Lewis Center Wal Mart have weighed in on this also. Read on…

COLUMBUS, Ohio — A suburban Columbus Wal-Mart store pulled the video game “Grand Theft Auto: Vice City” from its shelves while authorities investigate a series of 12 shootings on an interstate highway.

Manager John Nuckolls said the store in Lewis Center decided Monday to stop selling the game, which simulates carjackings and shootings.

Nuckolls said he didn’t know if other stores have followed suit. He said he hadn’t heard of any customers complaining about the game, but felt it was the right thing to do.

Well, well, well. That must be the problem right there. Someone bought Grand Theft Auto and thought it would be really cool to go and do it. The only problem is who the fuck has been carjacked here? Someone is shooting apparently from somewhere off of the highway. Is that a part of this game? I don’t think so. Why did this game get picked off anyway? If you go to Wal Marts website and go into their games sections, under Fighters & Shooters there are 85 games listed for the PS2; 72 for the X-Box; 35 for the Gamecube; 16 for the Gameboy Advance; 53 for the PC; and 17 for the PS1. Did Nuckolls pull all these games off the shelf? Of course not.

Another question for Nuckolls. Did you stop selling the guns? I know the video games might get someone interested in going out and shooting a bunch of people, but in order to do it, they need a fucking gun first. Now when they go to your store they can’t buy their favorite video game, but hot damn, they can get a gun. Isn’t that fucked up? If you think so, then go ahead and ask him @ (740) 657-1341

I don’t normally do a blog entry to totally rip on a story I saw on the news, but I’m going to make an exception this time. This is one of those stories that you can’t help but read and have the overwhelming feeling to just… well, laugh your ass off at.

ORANGE CITY, Fla. – A mob of shoppers rushing for a sale on DVD players trampled the first woman in line and knocked her unconscious as they scrambled for the shelves at a Wal-Mart Supercenter.

Patricia VanLester had her eye on a $29 DVD player, but when the siren blared at 6 a.m. Friday announcing the start to the post-Thanksgiving sale, the 41-year-old was knocked to the ground by the frenzy of shoppers behind her.

“She got pushed down, and they walked over her like a herd of elephants,” said VanLester’s sister, Linda Ellzey. “I told them, `Stop stepping on my sister! She’s on the ground!'”
Ellzey said some shoppers tried to help VanLester, and one employee helped Ellzey reach her sister, but most people just continued their rush for deals. “All they cared about was a stupid DVD player,” she said Saturday.

Paramedics called to the store found VanLester unconscious on top of a DVD player, surrounded by shoppers seemingly oblivious to her, said Mark O’Keefe, a spokesman for EVAC Ambulance.
Ellzey said Wal-Mart officials called later Friday to ask about her sister, and the store apologized and offered to put a DVD player on hold for her.

Wal-Mart Stores spokeswoman Karen Burk said she had never heard of a such a melee during a sale. “We are very disappointed this happened,” Burk said. “We want her to come back as a shopper.”

They found her on top of a DVD player unconscious… so she got one. She might spend the rest of the year in the hospital and in traction, but damn, she got her $30 DVD Player. I don’t know the legalities involved here, but I’m assuming that there will be a lawsuit, and all I can say is good. Wal-Mart isn’t doing too much here to kiss ass. The lady gets trampled and the best they can do is put a fucking DVD player on layaway for her? I would at least give her the player and a few movies to boot just to try and do a little damage control. Actually I’d give her some football gear and invite her back next year. Suck it up and train the year and come back next year and don’t fucking fall.

As long as I’m here I might as well bitch about some other stuff now. Let’s see, what’s pissing me off today? The weather, no… that is actually pretty decent for this time of year. I know, I’ll bitch at Stephanie. I’m sure many of you know of Stephanie, although you ignore her like the fucking plague. In a lack of my own better judgment about four years ago I downloaded Weatherbug for my computer. I deleted it shortly after because I didn’t like it that much. However, much like a jilted woman who just can’t seem to let go, Stephanie keeps emailing me shit from Weatherbug at least once a week. I keep telling Stephanie that I don’t want any of her shit anymore but she doesn’t seem to get the message. It’s getting so bad that I’m almost ready to introduce her to Scott Peterson.

It’s over, finally. Turkey day has come and went for another year. I guess you can’t go wrong with Thanksgiving. There is the turkey, stuffing, pumpkin pie, the occasional dumb ass who burns his garage down with a turkey fryer. As I was searching the Internet for that story I found another Thanksgiving related story about an eating contest. Sonya Thomas of Alexandria, Virginia, devoured massive helpings of yams, green beans, cranberry sauce and turducken, a turkey stuffed with duck, chicken and sausage, to win the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE) event. “You need four things” to participate in this sport, said Booker before the contest. “Capacity, strategy, mental toughness and stamina.” Well I’ll be damned, here I always thought I was fat before, but it turns out I was a fucking athlete.

For whatever fucking reason, I woke up at 4am yesterday. As much as I tried I couldn’t fall back asleep for anything, so I stayed up. I saw the Washlet on a commercial, which is a toilet with a heated seat that sprays your ass with water to clean it, and it has a remote control on it. It sounds pretty cool except it costs more than my first car did.

The weatherman had predicted we would get flurries overnight but when I looked outside we had gotten three inches of fucking flurries. It looked light and fluffy but it was snowman/heart attack snow if I ever saw it. I got most of it cleaned up but I had to get the big dog out of the garage to clean the end of the driveway out. As I was coming back up there was a garden hose buried under some of the snow, and yep, you guessed it, the motherfucker wrapped around the auger. After all the fun and excitement it was time to get showered and dressed and get out to the Turkey parties. I was out of the house until 9pm and when I did get home I realized there was no way in hell I wanted to be on the computer, so I went to bed.

Today I had to work, which in case you haven’t learned in the last year and a half, it sucks. I got there at 8, and within the half hour I ended up having to drive to a neighboring store and pick up a couple cases of salmon for an ad. That’s OK, except the closest neighboring store is 50 miles away. I was out of the store from 8:30 until 11 doing that, and I added another 100 miles onto my car. The good thing is I stayed punched in while I did it and I will get reimbursed for mileage, which I believe is at 36 cents a mile. I am glad I wasn’t one of the idiots that were out shopping at Walmart or somewhere like that this morning. I didn’t even drive by Walmart on my way to work today. I said 5 hour sale? Fuck that.

Hey, only two more days to go until Thanksgiving. What are you having for Thanksgiving? How about some Turkey and Gravy Soda? I saw a new product manufactured by Jones Soda that has actually sold out. Let’s get this straight. This company made a soda that tastes like turkey and gravy… and fuckers are actually buying it and drinking it? No question, people are that stupid. Oh well, to each their own I guess. All I know is I won’t be drinking my Turkey dinner on Thursday. Hey, look on the bright side, work another day, get a day off, work another day, get two off. I wish every week could be like that. Then life would be grand.

I was scouring the news and I finally found some good news in all the bullshit. The resurrection of Family Guy. As many as 35 new episodes could premiere in January 2005, according to the Fox spokesperson, which would mark the first time a canceled series has been revived on the strength of its DVD sales and syndication ratings. A DVD set released in April of the show’s first 28 episodes has sold close to 1 million copies while a second collection of 22 episodes has already passed the 500,000 mark. Reruns of the show also rank number one among adult viewers on Cartoon Network. That is fucking great as far as I’m concerned. There is talk of doing a straight to DVD movie and then launch into a new series in 2005. Finally something to look forward to.

They say a picture is worth 1000 words, well if that’s the case, then in this one all the words are FUCK. This picture was about 10 am today, and the big snow hasn’t even shown up yet. We are talking somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 inches or so. That’s great if you’re one of those fuckers who likes snow and winter, but if you’re like me, it sucks. The kicker is that it will get windy today and tonight as well, and why wouldn’t it? After all, we are in Wisconsin, aren’t we? If you’ll notice, the picture was taken through the window and that is a screen in the shot. Why would I take the picture through the window? Because it’s too fucking cold to go outside, didn’t we cover this shit already?

On a more positive note, before the bullshit weather showed up, I went out to my local record store and bought Triumph’s CD called Come Poop With Me. If you’ve never seen Triumph, then you’ve never stayed up past your local news. Triumph is a foul-mouthed hand puppet that insults other people for laughs… Hey, why didn’t I think of that? I’ve got the cynical attitude and foul mouth of Triumph already, I just used to use my friends to relay my insults to others instead of a puppet. In any event, this is a pretty nasty album that you wouldn’t want your kids to hear, with such great songs as Cats are Cunts and Benji’s Queer. There is also a DVD along with the CD which has some of the live stuff that is on the CD. There are interviews with the Dell guy, Jared from Subway and a few others on there. The song I Keed has already been getting video play on MTV.

That has got to be the scariest mugshot picture I’ve ever seen. Did you see the Michael Jackson mugshot picture? I thought they accidentally arrested Bubbles the Chimp at first. I think he melted a little bit with the flash of the camera. I can’t see how a kid would stay overnight at that house without some Rohypnol put into his Kool Aid. The thing that really pisses me off is that this is dominating the news. George Bush is over in England making those people realize that David Blaine wasn’t so bad after all, and all I’m seeing on the news is Michael touched another kids’ penis. Where the fuck have you been for the last 10 years? Instead of putting him in prison then, you left him out to molest more boys and make more shitty music that no one wanted to hear anyway. It’s called quit while you’re ahead. Like I said, this is dominating the news, and we don’t need to hear about it anymore. You know Dateline and Fox and all the other dumbasses that had interviewed him in the past are going to be rerunning all this shit looking for clues etc… to get ratings for their shows. Who the hell can be happy about all this coverage. Nobody that’s who. Well, actually there is one person that is probably a little happy about all this. Kobe Bryant. He’s going, whew, at least I fucked a 19-year-old GIRL. Not looking so bad now, is it?

Hey, tomorrow is Friday, finally. Our weather has been awesome the last few days. We have only been in the mid 50’s but considering that it is fucking November that is pretty sweet. Unfortunately, reality has to rear its ugly little head tomorrow and we are going to snap back into highs in the 30’s with snow and typical shitty ass winter in Wisconsin weather. It sucks, it really does. Anytime you have to deal with snow it sucks. It doesn’t suck as much as if it snowed in July, but trust me, it sucks. If you don’t believe me then move here. Give it a winter and tell me how much you like it. Sometimes in the winter it gets to -40. That’s a fucking minus sign there, and yes, it’s been colder. When it gets cold enough that you have to start counting backwards, it’s time to fucking move. When you could die because you are outside, that’s Wisconsin.

Michael, Michael, Michael. Now what did you do? Sixty to seventy investigators have raided the Neverland Ranch looking for something. I think they just wanted to go on all the rides. What better way to ride all the rides than claim you’re “investigating” them. My favorite part of this is that the news bastards have no idea what the hell is really going on so they have to put all this filler in their stories for the time being. Who the fuck doesn’t know that Michael Jackson had a hit album “Thriller”? If they don’t know that, then they probably don’t give two shits about him being investigated. Actually I knew that and I don’t give two shits that he is being investigated. Why is this getting all the attention anyway? Aren’t there two high profile murder trials going on right now? There’s those sniper assholes on the East Coast, then there’s that Peterson fucker on the West Coast. If the idiots in the media have to cover something, then why not this shit instead of Jackson. What did he do now, molest some young boys? There’s a fucking shock, but I already heard the story 10 years ago. Just make him a Catholic Priest and let’s move on.

Anyway… I guess I haven’t posted an Atkin’s update for a while. I am officially down 104 pounds and my waist is 15″ smaller than when I started exactly nine months ago today. People have asked me what I’m going to do this next week with Thanksgiving coming up and I tell them I’m going to eat some fucking turkey and stuffing. I’ll probably have some mashed potatoes and gravy too. Hell, I might even have a slice of pumpkin pie. Why? Because I can. Although I do believe that carbs are somewhat bad for you, I don’t think you have to live your entire life without them. Once in a while you can have a little extra. No I won’t eat until I puke, but I will enjoy a sampling of foods that I don’t normally eat. It’s not the potatoes and gravy that will make you fat. It’s the bag of Snickers, or bag of Peanut Butter cups that you eat while you watch a TV show, or the box of Chips Ahoy or the…fuck it, you get the picture. I do plan on sticking with Atkins and doing the second and third stages and slowly introduce different carbs into the mix, but I have a very strong willpower to succeed and keep going. The one thing that does stick in my mind is that I’ve been down this road before back in 93, but there is one thing different. I didn’t do that on my own, I had help and support. I tried to lose weight because I was paying money to do so, and I had to go get weighed and measured every week so there were consequences. This time it’s all on me. I make the decisions and yes, I am in control.

I’m going to stop talking now before I turn into one of those lame ass infomercials you see at 3am when your dog wakes you up and you can’t go back to sleep.