Another weekend has started. This one is a little quieter than last weekend but still not uneventful. Holy shit yesterday was busy at the store. Aren’t you people supposed to sit your asses at home and relax? Enjoy the damn holiday already and stay the hell away. Most of you people should be in Walmart bugging those people instead of out grocery shopping. What the hell could you possibly want from the grocery store anyway, tainted meat?

As an Atkins person I’ve been checking into this whole mad cow thing pretty regularly. I see the latest claim is that the cow more than likely came from Canada. That figures, Canada always sends horrible things at us. First Celine Dion and now this. Does it never end Canada? Why is everyone so worried about this whole mad cow disease anyway? More people die every year because they don’t cook their meat enough and they get food poisoning from it.

I’ve noticed that Michael Jackson had an interview on 60 minutes that will show tomorrow. On it he says “Before I would hurt a child, I would slit my wrists.” Bradley asked Jackson whether he thought that under the circumstances, it was still acceptable to sleep with children and Jackson answered, “Of course. Why not? If you’re going to be a pedophile, if you’re going to be Jack the Ripper, if you’re going to be a murderer, it’s not a good idea. That I am not.” Um, I can’t even begin to respond to that. I think the only hope Michael has to avoid going to prison is to once again become black and hide out in Compton or something. His chances would be better than in the real world.

You know, it’s Christmas Day. That can only mean one thing. Presents!!!!!!!!!! Now being 30 you learn a few things about Christmas. Number one, until you are about 5 or 6, you don’t really like Santa. When you get to around to 11 or 12 you don’t really believe in Santa. When you get in your late teens all you really want is money. When you get into your late 20’s, well I guess you still want money. When you are into your 30’s you just want to be young again. Anyway, back to the fat man. Santa and I go way back. At a young age of my life, I would have to say I wasn’t too fond of him. He was the scariest thing to a young boy; at least until Michael Jackson came along.

What does Christmas mean to me? Not as much as it used to. Part of it is the whole getting older thing, but it lost a lot of its importance after my dad died. I don’t really know how to explain it, but the feeling of Christmas changed completely. It was extremely tough that first year, a lot of things were though. One of the things that is nice is that I have kids to give presents to now. I have a young cousin and then my friends’ children. I actually enjoy seeing them get presents more than I enjoy getting them myself.

No need to worry, cynical & callous Dave will return in the next blog entry, but until then. Merry Christmas to everyone reading this.

Hey, it’s Christmas Eve, guess I better get shopping. I’m joking, I finished up last night. There is nothing more fun that seeing a bunch of last minute bastards shopping for relatives. Luckily I knew what I wanted to buy so I just went in and got it, unlike that guy trying to decide between the Toilet Bowl Brush and the Swiffer for his wife.

I do have some sad news. Jesus once again found out about his surprise birthday party tomorrow. I don’t know which one of you told him but I’m really disappointed. Maybe next year we can pull it off. It’s so hard to surprise someone who is all knowing. Just curious, what did you get for Jesus? It is his birthday you know. You didn’t even get him a card did you?

With the holiday upon us, shit it’s today, who has time to be unhappy? I tell you who, the cows. The fucking cows. They have found a mad cow in Washington. Although I’m not a scientist I will try to explain the whole Mad Cow Syndrome to the uneducated person. When people get pissed off they can usually flip someone off, but a cow really doesn’t have a middle finger, in fact they don’t have fingers at all. All a cow has is a hoof. You can’t flip someone off with only a hoof, it takes fingers and like I said, cows don’t have fingers, they instead have four stomachs, and probably ulcers in each one because they can’t release their aggression. Now that we’ve figured this out, you might be asking why would a cow be mad in the first place. I’m not an expert in the whole cow field here, but if I had to venture a guess I would say because we keep fucking eating them. How would you like to be raised on a farm and fed really well to one day be selected and think, damn I must have won a prize, only to be led off to be turned into rump roast and hamburgers. I’m sure the leather boots don’t impress the cow much either. I guess if I found out I was a walking fast food diner with clothing options, I might be a little pissed off too. You can only take the pressure for so long before you finally crack. Luckily for me and my Atkins diet, they haven’t found any Mad Chickens, so I’m safe for a while.

Holy balls, there are only four more days until Christmas hits. That means on Friday I won’t have to listen to shitty Christmas music at work anymore, they will be playing the regular shitty music again. Do you know what those bastards did last Friday? I heard Rudolph two times in a row. One song got done and they started telling me that I know Dasher and Dancer all over again. I was like no shit, Gene Autry just told me that, tell me about Frosty or something but give Rudolph a rest.

Is it really Sunday? Do I really have to go back to work tomorrow? My weekend went by very quickly for some reason. Oh that’s right, because I was watching Grace (a 4 year old). We went to the theater and saw Elf last night, then came back to the house and watched Bruce Almighty. I believe I slept for roughly four total hours and then woke up and we watched The Mask, Spiderman and Dumb & Dumber today. I do believe that I am all movied out for a while. I do have to say to all single mothers and fathers out there, I have no idea how the hell you do it but congratulations; I have a newfound respect for you. I spent 24 hours with Grace and I could probably sleep until sometime Monday night. Of course now that she has gone home, it is awfully damn quiet in here. A little too quiet.

Ok, change of pace. Here are seven things that make me happy during the Holidays.

Drinking with friends
Exchanging Gifts
Eggnog (it’s awesome)
Angels on top of Christmas trees
Nativity scenes
New Years Eve

What a wonderful day it is in the neighborhood. One week left, then it’s Christmas and I haven’t been here since Saturday. Lot’s of shit to discuss, let’s get to it.

#1. I didn’t win the Powerball last night, let’s plan for Saturday.
#2. Saddam is captured, so we got the guy that had nothing to do with 9/11.
#3. You sick flu bastards need to stay the hell away from me in the store, got it? I didn’t get the flu shot and therefore you need to keep your distance.
#4. South Park is done for another season, now I’m going to be doing some video editing on this machine, meaning blogs will become even more sparse.
#5. Speaking of South Park, they killed Kenny last night in the season finale. It’s about time they got back to normal dammit.
#6. This is probably the first year that I absolutely don’t need or want anything for Christmas. Damn, I am getting old.
#7. It keeps snowing more and more, and me & my Mustang are sick of it.
#8. Michael Jackson is officially charged with molestation. Well no fucking duh. Now we are going to have a super trial to pacify us through the winter since Survivor is done until next year.
#9. Oh yeah, had to mention Reality TV. You know what, Fuck Reality TV. Those cocksuckers at MTV started this shit back in the old days with The Real World, then a few years back this shit started growing like a fungus between your toes. If your life is revolving around some total stranger on a lame ass reality show, then you obviously have no life and should kill yourself.
See, now I’ve gone and gotten all pissed off over the stupidity of television. You know what else is stupid? They caught Saddam Saturday Night and I haven’t stopped hearing about it since. I know they consider it a big accomplishment in their little Haliburton project over there, but come on, what else is left to tell us? I really didn’t need to see him being checked over for fleas and watching them swab his mouth. Why didn’t they just go the whole route and shove a probe up his ass on live television? Oh yeah, they’re saving that for a private session.

Sources at CNN have confirmed that Saddam Hussein was captured today in a raid at the Baghdad Mall posing as Santa.

The raid was based on intelligence that Saddam was at a particular location in the area, military officials said. Forces arrived at the mall within three hours of receiving a tip from an Iraqi, and Saddam had no time to move to another mall. The US forces moved easily into the area where due to a lull in Iraq’s economy, there were no security guards on duty at the mall to protect the ousted leader. Saddam willingly identified himself to interpreters and mentioned his plan to pose as a mall Santa in an attempt to rob the establishments there as he saw in the movie Bad Santa.

He was wearing a full Santa suit complete with beard that apparently was real as it did not come off when PFC Benjamin Chileska pulled on it. Officials in Washington were close to capturing Saddam last month at Thanksgiving during President Bush’s secret visit to Baghdad. Apparently, they stopped by the mall so the President could visit Santa, however Santa was out on a lunch break, and they did not see him. “If only we had waited the extra 15 minutes until Santa/Saddam came back, I could have personally captured him…after giving him my Christmas list of course” the President said with a chuckle early Sunday Morning when talking to reporters.

This is a great day for freedom and America, however not a good day for children that were going to ask for Yu-Gi-Oh cards and Care Bears.

When I woke up this morning it was -15 outside. That’s MINUS FIFTEEN in case you are keeping score. Needless to say it was fucking cold. Anyone that doesn’t live in Wisconsin or Minnesota probably can’t even fathom this kind of temperature. Your freezer is probably set from zero to ten degrees depending, so imagine that…but colder. At 32 degrees water freezes. At 15 degrees you lose feeling in your fingers. At -15 you keep thinking to yourself, I have to get the fuck out of here. Some people say that this weather is for the birds, well that’s bullshit. Even the fucking birds are smart enough to migrate south for the winter. My dumbass is stuck in Wisconsin with snot-cicles hanging from my nose and the fucking Robins are down in Florida on the damn beach.

As long as I’m bitching about the weather I might as well keep it up. Snow… We must have about a foot of snow outside now. Obviously with the wonderful temperatures we’ve been blessed with, there is no chance of melting going on. If anyone was wondering, a 2000 Mustang is probably not the vehicle of choice to drive around in the winter. If you’ve ever been stuck at a stop sign then you probably know what I mean. The car won’t even make it up a damn hill if there is snow on it. Now those Weather Channel fuckers are talking about a possible snowstorm coming in next Tuesday, dumping a possible additional six inches on us. All I know is that if I find that bastard that was wishing for a White Christmas, I’m going to kick his ass.

Ahh, Christmas, now I have something to bitch about. We turned our Christmas Music on at work Tuesday. I know it’s rather late considering that most stores have been blaring that shit since Thanksgiving. I have noticed one thing while listening to this. Number one, there are 14 versions of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and 13 of them SUCK. Number two, any Christmas song that has anything to do with Jesus is an instrumental version. Are we afraid we are going to offend someone if we mention Christ? I know Santa kind of took over this mo’ fo’ but the reason everyone celebrates it originated with Jesus. Anyone that knows me can tell you I’m definitely not a religious freak or an avid church goer but this has always been one of the things that pissed me off. If someone is Jewish or Muslim or whatever other religions there are out there that might be offended by a song about Jesus, I’m sure Santa isn’t too high on their list either. Chanukah and Kwanza don’t offend me. Of course I don’t believe anyone ever came up with catchy tunes to celebrate their holidays anyway, aside from Adam Sandler that is.

Once again it has snowed. We’ve received about 4 inches already but there is apparently more on the way. Once again this snow was the thick heavy shit that I love oh so much. My only salvation was my John Deere snowblower. That sunofabitch made short work of all that snow out in the driveway. Nothing feels better than watching your neighbors outside breaking their backs shoveling while you are trimming your driveway like a hot knife through butter. Besides, that neighbor lady is pregnant, she shouldn’t be shoveling anyway.

I see there is a new bill going through Congress to try and limit some of this spam we get. I wish they would do that already. I can only imagine what it would be like not getting an offer to view the Paris Hilton sex tape every two days. I can’t even count how many times I’ve been offered a 3″ extension on my penis. Let’s just say I’ve been offered it so many times that if I would have taken them up on half of the offers you could jump rope with the sunofabitch… at least until I got excited.

Speaking of my friends in the Government, I was reading that the Secret Service were going to investigate Eminem. That was yesterday and now they have decided that he isn’t a threat to George. All he said was Fuck money/ I don’t rap for dead presidents/ I’d rather see the president dead/ It’s never been said, but I set precedents. Why in the hell would that be taken as a threat? Well I guess it isn’t very well known, but John Wilkes Booth had just finished cutting a record about killing the president shortly before he shot and killed Abe Lincoln. It’s also not well known that Lee Harvey Oswald had an underground recording about shooting the president which was circulating a week or two prior to JFK’s death. Maybe there is a connection here. I’m just waiting for the retaliation dis to come from George Bush. Someone get the president a microphone so he can bust a rap on Eminem. Maybe he can get Benzino to make a guest appearance. This should be good.

Another weekend finished. Monday tomorrow. You know the drill, Monday sucks… blah blah blah. Now that we have the technicalities out of the way we can move on to some more serious shit. I was at a restaurant this weekend with my mom and a few other people. On the radio network there were some oldies playing and they (old people) were talking about how this was a good song and it was their favorite back when they were my age. I just shook it off at first, then I started to think about it. When I’m in my 50’s and I’m in a restaurant with my kids or grandkids and they are playing old music, can you imagine what it’s going to be like. Hey kids, hear that, that’s Nelly. Sing it with me… It’s gettin hot in here, so take off all your clothes. Stop crying Billy.

I guess it’s one of the things I think about now that I’ve reached that 30 plateau. Have you ever been flipping through the channels and you wind up on VH1 Classics, and it’s shit you listened to in school? Damn that’s creepy. In my last 30 years I’ve realized a few things that determine if you are old or not. Shit that used to be cool when you were younger has come back as cool once again. Bell bottoms came back a few years ago, but I wasn’t around for the first time, so it didn’t matter, but those people who got it the second time around sure felt it. When something like that comes back, at first you feel really good that a trend has returned. Unfortunately you then realize exactly how old you are to see the second coming. I’ve seen the stupid pants with pockets all over come back, the Rubiks cube, Garbage Pail Kids, those stupid ass snap bracelets, He-man, the Transformers, the fucking Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake and the list goes on and on. Are we so out of ideas that we must recycle this old shit again? At least shit like Spongebob although stupid is original. Now that I think about it, Spongebob is nothing more than a dumbed down version of The Snorks, which was a rip off of The Smurfs. Does it ever end? What’s next, someone gonna come back with Acid Wash Jeans? Let’s pray that doesn’t happen although all it will take is Brittney Spears buying a pair of pants at Goodwill and wearing them on TV, then we’re all fucked.

It’s Friday. You know, it’s getting to the point where it isn’t really all that exciting anymore. It used to be yeah, Friday, no work for two days. Now it’s whoa, it’s Friday, another week wasted. Christmas is now 20 days away. I’m about 90% done with my Christmas shopping already. That’s pretty much unheard of for me. I usually wait until the days at least get into the twenties before I start that whole shopping thing. When you are pressed for time it makes the buying decision a whole hell of a lot easier. When you hear “the store will be closing in 15 minutes and reopen the day after Christmas” then it’s fucking go time! Let’s see, mom could use a toenail manicure set, sure. Oh, Ishtar on DVD for only 9.99. Lets see, I’m sure Tommy lost the Yo-Yo I got him last year, he can have a red one this year. So you see, I’ve lost the last minute shopper gifts this year and actually put some thought into what I was buying. Fuck, I hope I don’t set a precedent here.

Is it just me or is the news getting more fucked up? Actually it isn’t the news, it’s the stupid bastards that the news is reporting on. A woman in Texas ran over the manager of Mc Donald’s because she couldn’t get Mayo on her cheeseburger. What the fuck did she think she was at Burger King? If you want it your way take your ass to the BK. Jenkins tried to placate her by offering a cheeseburger with mayonnaise, but Nolan continued to make demands until Jenkins finally called police. When she went outside to write down Nolan’s license plate number, Nolan ran her over, breaking her pelvis. Nolan testified that she was putting ketchup on her cheeseburger when she accidentally struck Jenkins. She was putting ketchup on her cheeseburger huh? I thought she wanted fucking Mayo on it. You know, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Customers suck. This is nothing more that concrete evidence of that. I’ve often said you can’t please them, and here is a golden example.

Another year, another sniper…sort of. Apparently there is someone in Columbus, Ohio (hi Lisa) shooting people on or near a stretch of I-270. One or more people are deliberately targeting drivers, but Martin (some cop dude) refuses to use the word “sniper.” Well no shit he refused to use the word sniper. The motherfucker has only hit one person. If you’re trying to be a sniper maybe you should go back to school. Perhaps the shooter needs to go and find a farm somewhere and try and hit the broad side of the barn, and if they can’t, then maybe try crocheting or something. Another reason to not call them a sniper is because this whole thing apparently started in May. That means it has been going on for almost seven months already. This person isn’t even averaging two shots a month; or perhaps they are shooting a lot but they’ve only hit eleven objects thus far. As long as you are that pathetic of a want to be sniper, why don’t you do us all a favor and turn that sunofabitch around, look into the barrel and pull the trigger. Shit, you probably wouldn’t hit anything that way either. What a disgrace to snipers everywhere.

My good friends over at the Lewis Center Wal Mart have weighed in on this also. Read on…

COLUMBUS, Ohio — A suburban Columbus Wal-Mart store pulled the video game “Grand Theft Auto: Vice City” from its shelves while authorities investigate a series of 12 shootings on an interstate highway.

Manager John Nuckolls said the store in Lewis Center decided Monday to stop selling the game, which simulates carjackings and shootings.

Nuckolls said he didn’t know if other stores have followed suit. He said he hadn’t heard of any customers complaining about the game, but felt it was the right thing to do.

Well, well, well. That must be the problem right there. Someone bought Grand Theft Auto and thought it would be really cool to go and do it. The only problem is who the fuck has been carjacked here? Someone is shooting apparently from somewhere off of the highway. Is that a part of this game? I don’t think so. Why did this game get picked off anyway? If you go to Wal Marts website and go into their games sections, under Fighters & Shooters there are 85 games listed for the PS2; 72 for the X-Box; 35 for the Gamecube; 16 for the Gameboy Advance; 53 for the PC; and 17 for the PS1. Did Nuckolls pull all these games off the shelf? Of course not.

Another question for Nuckolls. Did you stop selling the guns? I know the video games might get someone interested in going out and shooting a bunch of people, but in order to do it, they need a fucking gun first. Now when they go to your store they can’t buy their favorite video game, but hot damn, they can get a gun. Isn’t that fucked up? If you think so, then go ahead and ask him @ (740) 657-1341

I don’t normally do a blog entry to totally rip on a story I saw on the news, but I’m going to make an exception this time. This is one of those stories that you can’t help but read and have the overwhelming feeling to just… well, laugh your ass off at.

ORANGE CITY, Fla. – A mob of shoppers rushing for a sale on DVD players trampled the first woman in line and knocked her unconscious as they scrambled for the shelves at a Wal-Mart Supercenter.

Patricia VanLester had her eye on a $29 DVD player, but when the siren blared at 6 a.m. Friday announcing the start to the post-Thanksgiving sale, the 41-year-old was knocked to the ground by the frenzy of shoppers behind her.

“She got pushed down, and they walked over her like a herd of elephants,” said VanLester’s sister, Linda Ellzey. “I told them, `Stop stepping on my sister! She’s on the ground!'”
Ellzey said some shoppers tried to help VanLester, and one employee helped Ellzey reach her sister, but most people just continued their rush for deals. “All they cared about was a stupid DVD player,” she said Saturday.

Paramedics called to the store found VanLester unconscious on top of a DVD player, surrounded by shoppers seemingly oblivious to her, said Mark O’Keefe, a spokesman for EVAC Ambulance.
Ellzey said Wal-Mart officials called later Friday to ask about her sister, and the store apologized and offered to put a DVD player on hold for her.

Wal-Mart Stores spokeswoman Karen Burk said she had never heard of a such a melee during a sale. “We are very disappointed this happened,” Burk said. “We want her to come back as a shopper.”

They found her on top of a DVD player unconscious… so she got one. She might spend the rest of the year in the hospital and in traction, but damn, she got her $30 DVD Player. I don’t know the legalities involved here, but I’m assuming that there will be a lawsuit, and all I can say is good. Wal-Mart isn’t doing too much here to kiss ass. The lady gets trampled and the best they can do is put a fucking DVD player on layaway for her? I would at least give her the player and a few movies to boot just to try and do a little damage control. Actually I’d give her some football gear and invite her back next year. Suck it up and train the year and come back next year and don’t fucking fall.

As long as I’m here I might as well bitch about some other stuff now. Let’s see, what’s pissing me off today? The weather, no… that is actually pretty decent for this time of year. I know, I’ll bitch at Stephanie. I’m sure many of you know of Stephanie, although you ignore her like the fucking plague. In a lack of my own better judgment about four years ago I downloaded Weatherbug for my computer. I deleted it shortly after because I didn’t like it that much. However, much like a jilted woman who just can’t seem to let go, Stephanie keeps emailing me shit from Weatherbug at least once a week. I keep telling Stephanie that I don’t want any of her shit anymore but she doesn’t seem to get the message. It’s getting so bad that I’m almost ready to introduce her to Scott Peterson.