Author: David

Are we having an identity crisis here? Whenever I can remember in my young years seeing a commercial for this place, it went something like this. Kentucky Fried Chicken, we do chicken right. That was the jingle and barring a bout with amnesia it’s stuck in my head forever. I can’t remember algebra, but I know that. Hell, their big signs outside used to say Kentucky Fried Chicken on it also.

I can’t remember when it happened, but it was during this whole Low-Fat fiasco we had in the late 80’s/early 90’s. Suddenly they were no longer Kentucky Fried, they were just KFC. The chicken was still fried, and to my knowledge (although disputable) it was still chicken.

Now with the success of the Low Carb craze KFC has decided to reinvent themselves yet again by adding words back on their acronym. Now we are to suddenly believe that KFC stands for Kitchen Fresh Chicken. Ok, first off there is no kitchen. You are a fast-food place, and you can call that thing in the back a kitchen if you want but we know better.

Fresh? Don’t even get me started on that one. At least we kept the word chicken in there this time. So, who thought this shit up anyway? The colonel must be rolling over in his 11 herbs and spices grave as we speak.

Hey, it’s fucking snowing again, and why wouldn’t it? I guess it is Sunday and I should have expected no less than another 5″ of snow today. Hell, we almost melted off half an inch on those two days that it actually got above freezing, better replenish it because I could almost see my fucking mailbox again. I guess we did dodge a slight bullet considering that this was supposed to be a rain/freezing rain/sleet event in the first place. I guess snow is slightly better than that. I am finally getting good use out of that John Deere Snow blower that has been collecting dust in the garage the last four winters.

Went to Wal Mart today for a few things; why, because I’m a retard. As a grown man I should know by now that you do not venture into Wal Mart during the afternoon of any day, especially a weekend. There must have been 5,000 people in that fucking store. OK, it was probably more like 120 people, but God Dammit, they were all in my fucking way. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this way, but every time I tried to duck down another aisle and avoid the clusters of Sunday afternoon visitors I ran into another group. Can’t you bastards go to the restaurant if you want to visit? I swear I just wanted to pick up a stick and hit them. Unfortunately Wal Mart was out of stock of beating sticks, and I didn’t have it in me to ruin a golf club; even a shitty Wal mart golf club.

Speaking of my friends at Wal Mart I found out that I am listed in DMOZ, some new type of search engine. This is what they describe of my little Wal Mart bitch page: Wal Mart Sucks – Complains that Wal-Mart does not sell CDs and tapes with explicit language, despite selling guns, cigarettes, and explicit movies and video games.
Ah; my 15 minutes of fame, right before I get sued.

Life is a cruel bitch. Today we were in the upper 30’s, like 38ish, and now they are flashing this Winter Storm Watch bullshit saying we may get up to six inches of snow. What in the fuck is that all about? This is my least favorite time of the year for the weather. It seems it becomes a give and take situation now. We get the warm temperatures for a couple days, then suddenly it snows like a sunofabitch. The only good thing about March and April is that it is warm enough to melt a 13″ snowstorm in about two days. Still, winter can kiss my ass. One thing that I missed yesterday when I was talking about all the crazy shit people do when it gets warm is they line up to wash their car. WHY? Can you not see all of the nasty ass slush that is in the streets here? Why would you drive your car into the car wash and get it all cleaned and then drive down the road and get it all dirty again? Regardless, there was still a line of the stupid bastards waiting to get their car washed today.

It has been exactly one year since I started doing the Atkin’s Diet. I put up a new page in my personal section dealing with my last year so that I wouldn’t waste an entire blog on it.

I think it is time for me to get my ass out and find a new job. Wal-Mart has decided they are going to build a 203,091 square foot Super Center in my town. The little pissy grocery store that I work in is roughly 15 miles away, but will still feel the effects of this. I have a real bad feeling that if I drag my feet that there won’t be a job for me to go to in another year. Guess I better get that job resume polished up.

Another wonderful week has started, but we have good news this time around. Temperatures are going to be in the high 30’s and may even reach 40 on a couple days. Well break out the hot dogs cause we’re gonna have a fucking picnic. In case you have never noticed when you are in Wisconsin or somewhere really cold and it gets into the 40’s, people go fucking nuts. Suddenly they are running around in shorts and t-shirts and driving around with their windows open like there is a massive heat wave going on. It’s all a case of perception really. Take the same 40 degree temperature and go to Florida and see what happens when they get that. Suddenly they are under blankets and calling for a state of emergency because it is so damn cold. Pussies.

How do you save yourself some dough on Valentine’s Day? You dump your bitch. But what happens if your bitch dumps you? Just ask Ken what happens when Barbie dumped his ass for some surfer dude. No more Barbie Playhouse, sweet rides, or messing around with Babie’s little friends.

Why would Barbie dump Ken after 40 some years of being with him? Many have said his avoidance of marriage, but I don’t think that is it at all. I’m thinking more along the lines of the not anatomically correct thing. After 40 years I’m sure Barbie has realized that her man wasn’t really packing anything down there. Back in the 60’s things were a little stricter so he could get away with the lacking in the crotch region because they couldn’t even sleep in the same bed. Now Barbie has all sorts of toys and I’m sure she’s had GI Joe in her foxhole more than once. This breakup was more than inevitable.

Friday the 13th. Scared yet?

This isn’t Crystal Lake and I don’t see Jason’s ugly ass anywhere nearby. In case you are a superstitious person, here are a few pointers for you. Two wrongs might not make a right, but two fucked up superstitions should cancel each other out. Since it is Friday the 13th, make sure you do something else that is superstitious. Whatever could that be do you ask? Walk under a ladder. Let a black cat cross in front of you. Break a fucking mirror. Don’t wipe your ass. You know what I’m saying. If you are honestly thinking that a Friday could possibly be bad, well you’re too fucked up for help anyway.

Any man who is afraid of Friday the 13th needs to face the real fear that is Saturday the 14th. Valentine’s is hours away, you had best get your shit together. Motherfuckers were in the stores in droves today buying flowers, candy and whatever other trivial things that they could pass off as love to their mates. When do a dozen roses become played out anyway? It seems to me that if you pay $29.99 for 12 flowers that are going to die every year, it just becomes the thing to do and not really a sentiment of love. It’s like flushing the toilet after you take a shit or turning the light on when you walk in a room, just a common thing. And where is all of this love coming from anyway? If all I do for you is buy you a dozen roses on Valentine’s then what do I do the rest of the year? Damn you Hallmark.

What is with this controversy with the Mel Gibson picture Passion that is coming out? Newsweek magazine on their front cover has the caption ‘Who Really Killed Jesus?” They haven’t even figured out who killed JFK yet, and that was only 40 years ago, good luck figuring this one out. I can just see that CSI episode during sweeps week. CSI: The Jesus Christ Files. Well, I guess if anyone can get to the bottom of this, it would be them.

Have I mentioned how much I love to shovel snow lately? No? Probably because I fucking hate shoveling snow. They showed a lovely graphic on the news this morning showing how we have had only three snow free days since January 20th or so. What a bunch of bullshit this is getting to be. I see that we are going to get some slight warming next week. We are in the time of year where whenever the sun pokes out, it melts a little of this shit. I can’t wait until it gets sloppy and slushy out, then I can sell some windshield wash at work.

Hey, only two more days until Valentines Day. I see all the people lining up already buying all of their shit for their sweethearts. It is going to be fucking crazy tomorrow, and I’m really glad I won’t be there on Saturday. I see all of these people buying cards, and I wonder how do you pick out a good card anyway? Here are a few of my favorites, which might explain why I was never offered that position at Hallmark.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Here are some flowers,
When do we screw?

Here’s to you,
Here’s to your health,
Wait, I don’t even like you,
Go fuck yourself

Tingly’s how I feel when you’re near,
Remember that night when we drank all the beer
It was a bad idea now I can see,
And for some reason now it burns when I pee.

It’s obvious that Valentine’s is getting closer. How can I tell you ask? Everyday I’ve gotten an email with the subject of “Give her unlimited orgasms”. There’s a business to get involved in. I wonder how many people actually open that shit up. That is as bad as the “grow your manhood” emails. Gee, while I’m at it, I might as well refinance my house too. Fucking spam.

We are having another mini snowstorm today. This bullshit is getting old. It seems like we get an inch or so every other day. If it isn”t snowing, then it is colder than a motherfucker out there. I guess I should be used to this shit considering I live in Wisconsin, but I don’t think I ever will be. I am to the point where I feel comfortable driving my car in this shit, but would rather not.

I am starting to think of where I would like to go to this year for my vacation. I would like to go somewhere that I’ve never been to yet. I’ve done the South Dakota thing twice, the Florida thing twice and pretty much everywhere in between those spots and Wisconsin. Here is a quick rundown of states I’ve been in:

Wisconsin (duh)
Minnesota
North Dakota
South Dakota
Wyoming
Montana
Illinois
Missouri
Indiana
Kentucky
Tennessee
Georgia
Florida
Arkansas

That leaves plenty of opportunities for fun places to go. There are a few places I’d like to go this year. I’d like to see the Grand Canyon. Lake Powell which is between Arizona and Utah would be cool to see (and doable in the same trip to the canyon.) Niagara Falls would also be a sweet place to visit, except you would almost need a chick to go with you there, and at the moment I’m chick-less. I’ve got a few months to decide where I would like to go but I think I will start my planning now. If I had vacation available now, I’d escape this winter hell and go somewhere warm now. Why didn’t I win the fucking lottery?

Can you smell that? Love is in the air. No, wait, I guess I just farted. Well, I’ve done everything I can try to do to stop it, but it’s coming full force. This coming Saturday is going to be Valentine’s Day. If you have noticed by my blogs compared to last year, the tirade against V-day isn’t there like it was a year ago. Perhaps I’m older and wiser. Perhaps I have an arrow sticking out of my ass. Perhaps there are many more important things to bitch about this year. Perhaps, just perhaps.

One thing for sure, this coming Saturday we all need to be extra vigilant. All of us as Americans need to keep our eyes open for any babies with wings and bows and arrows. I feel we will be on High Cupid Alert this coming weekend and expect everyone to do their part and cover their asses.

Another Sunday is winding down. I see that the Grammys are going to be on CBS tonight. I hear they are going to be having a five minute delay to catch anything that might be too risque for tonight. This is going to be a horrible show. I’m sure after last weekends Superbowl fiasco they are going to be editing everything out. Every time someone says anything that even starts with the letter F, it’ll get bleeped. This is going to be horrible. Wait, what am I talking about here. It’s the Grammys; it’s supposed to be horrible.

Have you ever been driving your car and for whatever reason you don’t have the radio or CD player on? (8 track player for those of you unwilling to accept new technology) What the fuck is this thing held together with anyway, Duct Tape? You’re just driving down the road minding your own business, and whoa, there is this funny squeak coming out of the vent area. What is that clicking noise coming from the back window? Now the clicking has apparently migrated to under the dash. Why is there a weird noise coming from the backseat? There isn’t anybody back there. Holy shit, what in the fuck is the turn signal so damn loud for? It’s annoying and now I know why I always listen to music when I’m driving; to keep my damn sanity.

You know, Friday it seemed to snow all day, but we it only accumulated about an inch. It was supposed to stop late Friday afternoon and then taper off to flurries. Well, it flurried a good inch or two Friday night into Saturday morning. Oh yes, and there is more on the way for tomorrow. What would a Monday morning commute to work be without snowy ass roads? Boring I guess. Oh well, at least I have something to look forward to at work on Mondays now.

You know, I wasn’t even going to do a blog today, but dammit, I just had to. I don’t like to stick to an issue for too long, it tends to get a little boring, but sometimes stupidity overrules that decision and I have to make an exception. There is still all of this fallout from the Janet Jackson booby at the Superbowl thing going on here. You know, fuck the FCC and everyone else that is going to go after this which brings me to what I have to bitch about today.

Terri Carlin. You know, with a last name like Carlin, I kind of had higher hopes for you. Terri has decided to file a lawsuit in a U.S. District Court and asked that it become a class-action suit against singers Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake and broadcasters MTV, CBS and their parent company, Viacom. Carlin alleges that she and others who watched the halftime show during Sunday’s Super Bowl were injured by the performers’ actions when Timberlake ripped off part of Jackson’s costume, exposing her breast. Carlin’s lawsuit seeks billions of dollars in compensatory and punitive damages. Her Attorney for this also said that because the game is broadcast worldwide, that the actions harmed the “standing and credibility” of Americans throughout the world.

Number one, you say you were injured? How in the fuck were you injured? I guess I don’t quite understand this frivolous lawsuit. You’re a woman and I’m only guessing but I think you probably see breasts everyday when you are getting dressed in the morning? Is that offensive to you too? Don’t go off suing yourself or anything. Number two, who in the fuck appointed you to stand up and decide what is decent or not? If you are so offended by sexual conduct but you had no problems with all of the violence that surrounds a football game then maybe you should spend your money on a shrink instead of an attorney. Number three. This is the big one. The actions harmed the “standing and credibility” of Americans throughout the world???????

Have you been watching the fucking television lately? The President of the United States took us into a war where he pretty much told the United Nations to go fuck themselves and the entire basis of his war is now being found out to be lies and over-exaggerations and you think the showing of a boob for 1 second and Nelly dry humping some half naked bitches on stage harmed our credibility? We don’t have any credibility left. Swallow that with your fucking freedom fries.

Since we’re filing frivolous lawsuits, I think I should sue you for adding yet another stupid lawsuit to the American Justice System. It’s shit like this that destroys our credibility. Every time something happens that we don’t like, we think we should sue over it. Oh no, my ass got too big from eating fast food, better sue Mc Donald’s. Uh, my lung just collapsed from smoking too much, better sue Marlboro. The grocery store ran out of the ad item and I went all the way across town to buy some, better sue them. What happened wasn’t right, and it didn’t belong on prime time television. You’re right on that part, but here’s the kicker. You don’t deserve any money out of this. Well, maybe a quarter so you can buy a clue.

It’s been a few days since I’ve posted here. The hazardous materials unit had just left after checking my mail for Ricin. What in the fuck is that all about anyway? Here I thought they said people were being sent poisonous Rice Krispies in the mail. Boy do I feel like a dumbass now. Here I had hazmat out here because of a free sample of Rice Krispies in my mail. Damn you Kellogg’s. Hey, which one of you Hazmat assholes stole my Penthouse?

Did you see it a couple days ago? It popped out for just a few moments, saw its shadow and made a hasty retreat. No, not Punxsutawney Phil, I’m talking about Janet Jackson’s breast. I guess I’m not really seeing what all of the hooplah was about. (I do believe this is the first time I’ve ever used the word hooplah; well, twice now.) I guess maybe I’ve been desensitized to this a little too much. Hey, she’s 37 years old, just be happy it wasn’t a saggy wrinkly breast. That would have been atrocious. You have to realize that she is a Jackson and this isn’t even considered controversial to that family. The most atrocious thing that she did at the Superbowl was share the stage with that piece of shit Justin Timberlake.

In reality there are many more things to be offended by than some woman’s breast, which the nipple is covered up by a damn pasty or piercing. CBS is saying that they weren’t aware that this was going to happen. In essence, Jackson lied to them. Well, now we have trouble. If there is one thing we don’t tolerate in this country, it’s a liar. If she continues to lie like this, she may become presidential. The government run FCC is now going to investigate this matter completely. Fines could reach into the millions by the time it is all said and done. I guess we need someone to fund our war efforts, and since we can’t find any WMD in Iraq we now have Weapons of Mass Distraction going on here. I guess if I turn on the TV and see Janet’s bare breast, that doesn’t offend me half as much as when I turn on the TV and see George Bush with that stupid little smirk on his face trying to cover up a lie with another lie. Exactly how many Americans have died in your personal vendetta in Iraq today? Justify it one more time for me, OK?