Author: David

You know, I haven’t gotten to putting up that Valentines Day shit yet. I’m sure I haven’t ruined anyone’s day yet by not putting it up either. I don’t believe they are lining up to buy it from me or anything. I’ve got too much shit on my list already without worrying about another worthless holiday. This is a total woman holiday anyway, and as we all know; women are crazy.

If you don’t believe that, tell me what the greatest threat to airline security is? It’s not al-Qaida anymore, it’s drunk women. What the hell is going on here with all these women freaking out on the planes? Is it some sort of PMS amplified by the altitude? I think there should be emergency syringes on all airplanes loaded with Pamprin in a liquid form that can be injected directly into these crazy bitches before they completely snap. Maybe this is why we didn’t have a terrorist attack over the holidays. There was a terrorist onboard thinking… well I can’t follow that shit.

As long as we’re on the subject of crazy bitches, we can’t leave out my favorite one. The gal from Ohio (what the fuck is in the water down there Lisa?) who claimed she bought the winning lottery ticket and lost it and the money was rightfully hers. Why have I never thought of that shit? Oh yeah, because I have at least a half a brain – depending on who’s opinion you get. I guess I’m a little baffled about this whole thing. She said she lost the ticket, then the rightful owner claims the prize and she tries to stop the lottery board from paying her. At what point do you go… holy shit, I don’t have any ground to stand on and I’m totally fucked. I guess that happens today, which is a little too late because now she is facing a charge of filing a false police report which is punishable by 30 days to six months in prison and a $1,000 fine. Guess being broke doesn’t look so bad compared to that. If I was the woman that won I would pay this woman’s $1,000 fine just as a subtle slap in the face. Then again, I’m 1/4 asshole.

Please note that my use of the word SIKE in the title of today’s blog does not mean I condone the use of the word, just that I remember when it was used. If you don’t know what that means then you are a young punk. I’m not old… fuckin little bastards with your loud hip hop music blasting…

This week is going by entirely too slow. That’s it, time to complain to someone. I have a slight headache tonight, possibly from the fucking cold ass temperatures we’ve been suffering through. Then again maybe I’m coming down with something. I probably have a slight case of sickofworkitis coming on. Tomorrow I get to set up Valentines. You guessed it, more singing gorillas and hamsters. How the fuck did they become affiliated with a holiday of love. Look honey, I bought you a singing rodent… assume the position.

Have you ever seen something on the news and said to yourself, what in the fuck? There is a company out there that is making artificial testicles to implant in your dog if you’ve had him neutered. Do you really think your dog wants the vet down there with a knife again? All he’s going to do is end up pissing on them. What if he meets a cute female dog and finds out the hard way that much like a Christmas Tree, his balls are just for decoration. This isn’t an ego booster, it’s an ego killer. The thing that kills me is that if you go to the website and look, they actually have a patent on this. I would have loved to be working in the patent office that day when the guy showed up and pitched this idea. “Yeah, I’m going to sell those cheap super balls out of grocery store lobbies to pet owners for $70 a pair and they can have them sewn into their animals crotch. I’m going to be rich.” According to a news story, they’ve already sold 100,000. Launching your own business like that is risky these days, it takes a lot of balls.

Another interesting thing I found was about the poor guy that is going to federal prison for 15 months because he would buy donuts at a bakery, then repackage them and sell them to health stores claiming they were diet. That is too fucking funny to even get into, but you know I will. Robert Ligon, 68, begins a 15-month jail sentence today for claiming, fraudulently, that his “carob-coated” doughnut contained only three grams of fat and 135 calories. In fact, the chocolate-glazed treat contained a belt-busting 18 grams of fat and 530 calories. Between 1995 and 1997, Ligon bought normal, high-fat rolls and pastries from wholesalers, re-labelled them as low-fat and sold them to American health-food retailers under the name of Nutrisource Inc. I’ve been on several diets in my life, and I know how shitty anything that is low fat tastes. How the hell could these people not know that these were high in fat? I wonder if anyone gained weight because of this. I also wonder why I didn’t think of this shit? I could have been a millionaire by now. First my fake dog ball business is stolen from me, and now my donut scam is out the window too. Fuck. Guess I’ll have to go the reality TV show route.

Another ass dragging Sunday night prepping me up for a wonderful Monday morning. Nothing excites me as much as watching the clock count down until it’s time for me to get to bed so I can wake up in the morning and start my week over from scratch. Tomorrow I have a bunch of new items coming in that I need to find a home for. I have a few new medicine items coming in, and I have the new line of low carb items from Slim Fast. I wonder who won’t have a low carb item coming out soon?

Speaking of the low carb craze, I tried one of the new low carb tortilla wraps at Subway last week. I went for the Chicken Bacon Ranch Wrap. It was very good except that they jacked me $4.09 for it. I did enjoy it very much though and have been working very hard in my laboratory (kitchen) trying to duplicate it. I already have the low carb tortillas on hand, and I cook my chicken breast and cut it into little pieces, put a slice of bacon on it, some lettuce (which I didn’t get at Subway… the bastards) and some ranch dressing and voila… dinner is served.

I bought American Wedding Unrated Friday night. I had to drive all over town because Walmart (my best friends) only carried the R rated version, and dammit that wasn’t good enough. I ended up having to go to Sam Goody to get my copy, which was well worth it. On a side note, I picked up Season 3 of South Park at Walmart Friday night. I guess an unrated movie is too dirty for them, but a dirty cartoon is right up their alley. Fucking hypocrites.

I went to a ski hill today. You are probably wondering what in the hell I was doing at a ski hill so let me assure you, I do not ski. I went tubing with my friends. You know I almost felt like a kid again, aside from the chronic arthritis. Seriously though, I am in some minor pain, but nothing that some Icy Hot won’t take care of. I guess there should be a sign out front with a circle with the 30 in it and line through it. I must say it was nice to get outside and breathe the fresh air for a while though. Of course being outside in the winter in Wisconsin is a few steps short of being insane. Our high today was somewhere near 20. That’s 12 below freezing in case you were wondering. But there’s nothing like a little outdoor fun to get your heart beating fast, speaking of which…

I see that the government is going to put a ban on Ephedra in a little under 60 days. “We have a tremendous burden of proof in order to take supplements off of the market,” Thompson said Tuesday in announcing the ban on a supplement that has been linked to 155 deaths and dozens of heart attacks and strokes. 155 deaths and dozens of heart attacks and strokes? Dozens as in 12?
Here are some facts I’ve looked up on cigarettes… let’s compare shall we? Each year, more than 440,000 Americans die from cigarette smoking. As far as the heart disease goes, 81,976 people are afflicted with it, and strokes get another 17,445 people. Hey, lets go somewhere that Ephedra doesn’t. Lung cancer will get 124,813 more people and other lung diseases will afflict 82,431 people. Other cancers will get 130,948 people.

So… how does the comparison go? I’m going to give the Ephedra people the benefit of the doubt here and go with 30 dozen, giving us 360 people, add in the 155 deaths and we have a whopping 515 deaths/strokes/heart attacks. Now, what are those cigarette numbers? To be fair I will only use the deaths and heart attack/stroke numbers which come to a jaw dropping 539,421. So I guess we ban the Ephedra that has done in slightly over 500 people and continue to sell the tobacco that has done in roughly 540,000. Good plan America, good plan.

Why would the government not want to outlaw such a horrible item that is killing so many and making them sick? The same thing that makes all top law officials look away. Dead presidents, and lots of them. Cigarettes are one of the most heavily taxed consumer products in the United States. Federal, state and local governments have a virtual monopoly on tobacco profits. With excise tax collections on cigarettes for the fiscal year ending June 30, 2002 amounting to more than $16 billion, the government made more money from the sale of cigarettes than retailers, wholesalers, farmers and manufacturers combined. Government pocketed over $74 million a day from smokers from 1998 to 2002, more tobacco tax revenue per minute than the average working family brings home in a year ($51,334 per minute vs. $42,228 per year median household income in 2001). (source) It’s always nice to know how much you are handing over to the government.
Sounds like a good plan doesn’t it? If the Ephedra would rake in profits for the government you wouldn’t find them being banned at all. And these are the same people that are keeping us safe from the oil holding terrorists?

Wild parties, lots of drinking and lots of un-remembered sex. Does that describe the total opposite of what your evening was like? Mine too. Just think of all the clean up time you’ve saved yourselves from by not partying your ass off. I’m sure plenty of people partied like there was no tomorrow. They unfortunately found out that there is a tomorrow, and most likely they will be in jail then. Hey, you only have a New Years Celebration once a year. What exactly is the point of this whole New Years celebration anyway? I would think that after the first 2000 of them, they would start to get a little old. It’s not like we don’t know which year is coming next. If we randomly picked a year or something it might add a little more excitement to the whole deal. Hey, just a quick New Year News-flash, I broke one of my resolutions already. I did not win the Powerball last night. I know that is probably a major shock to everyone but I did manage to match a few numbers. None on the same line, but if diagonals counted I’d be a fucking winner. Damn New Year.

Well, it’s officially here, 2004 has kicked the hinges off the door and is here in full force. I now have my brand new calendar all in place and I am ready for whatever the new year has to offer, which seems to be earthquakes. Lots of fucking earthquakes. We’ve already had one in California on December 22, then there was a large one in Iran on December 26. Today another earthquake hit Mexico city. I see a trend beginning here, don’t you? 2004 will be the year of horrible natural disasters. Please note I am not a scientist nor do I have any working knowledge of how earthquakes work or any indication of future earthquakes that might possibly happen. I don’t know if you are truly fucked here. I cannot be held responsible for any rash actions you may take as a result of this report because as stated previously, it’s all bullshit I made up. However in the event that 2004 does become a bumper year for natural disasters, you can all suck my shit.

Had a major rip-off at the store yesterday. The Old Dutch rep told me she found seven boxes of generic Actifed buried behind the chips. When I went over to check my shelf I noticed that all my boxes of Actifed, and all generics were gone. I had absolutely nothing on my shelf. I always knew the stupid worthless fuckers could make meth out of Sudafed (pseudoephedrine), but I guess it never occurred to me that they could make it out of a Sudafed mixed with an antihistamine (pseudoephedrine & Triprolidine). I guess you learn something new every day. I can only hope that the assholes either blow their house up while they are making the shit, or they get caught selling it and go to jail for a long time. A definitely good way to end my last day of the year at my job.

Fucking people.

It’s here. The inevitable end of another year. Where the fuck did it go? Cue up the music, it’s time to have an entourage of shit from the years past. Yeah, fuck that shit. I don’t get into all of this. My attention span is way too short to remember what happened last January, hell I’ve already forgotten what I got for Christmas.

What other lame ass traditions are there for New Years? Oh yes, the resolutions. Ok, I will make some New Years Resolutions here that I’m sure I will break in roughly 12 hours or so.

I will stop downloading MP3’s.
I will stop downloading porn.
I will add a ton of new content to this page in the next few weeks.
I will stop eating crackers in bed.
I will pick that piece of dirt up off the floor.
I will get my oil changed before the smoke starts pouring out again.
I will win the Lottery.
I will get my car paid off in the next three months.
I will stop smoking… wait, I don’t smoke… mission accomplished.
I will go to great lengths to bring peace to the Earth, well if it will get me laid anyway.
I will travel the country and see all new people that can piss me off.

Well, that’s about all I can think about at the moment, but what does it matter. Much like rules, resolutions were meant to be broken. Drink up, be stupid and party like it’s 1999 (you know, before that asshole was in the White House).

Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to go through and mark Christmas down 75% while people are trying to shop it? Here I am moving shit and I constantly have people asking me how much this is, do I have anymore of this, is this the half price or is it half of this? Fuckers, back up and let me do my job. It won’t be half of anything if you don’t back away from the display and let me and my sign in there. In case you were wondering, I had this experience today. I took my Christmas and marked it down 75% and then in the middle of it apparently people got into the Holiday Spirit and decided to fuck with me. Every time I would stand up there would be someone in my spot rummaging through the shit I just spent 20 minutes arranging. Around 3:00 I just said fuck it and went off and did other stuff for the rest of my day… yes, it must be time to amend the customers suck page.

Speaking of things that piss me off at work, here’s a little snippit of something that is irritating me royally at work and something that will grace my gripes page in the future.

Prescription medications being advertised. Here is how this whole prescription thing should work. I am hurt, I go to the doctor. My doctor and his 7 year degree examines me and tells me that I am definitely in pain and that I need Vioxx. He writes me the prescription out and sends me on my way to the pharmacy where the pharmacist fills that prescription and then I go home and take my damn medicine.

Unfortunately here is how it really works. I am hurt, I go to the store because my ass is too cheap to go to the doctor. I am looking for Advil or Tylenol and then there is a thing sticking out of the shelf telling me about the wonders of Vioxx. I read the pamphlet and think that Vioxx is the best thing since sliced bread. I end up going to the doctor with this wonderful information filled pamphlet and tell a man who has a 7 year degree that this brochure knows more than him and I want Vioxx. To shut me up he writes the prescription out and sends me to the pharmacy where I get my prescription filled and then I get the bill and wonder why the hell prescription drugs are so fucking high priced in America.

At that point I realize that if Vioxx is paying to put their little brochures in every store in America and buying prime advertising space in magazines that it must cost a whole lot of money to do that. I wonder how they make all of that advertising money up? I know, they jack the consumer.

Here is the moral of the story. Prescription drugs are out there marketing themselves towards the everyday consumer like they were fucking peanut butter. As a common everyday citizen you have no fucking idea what the hell is good for you and you definitely shouldn’t be in charge of deciding which medicine you should be prescribed. If you think you do, let me ask you a question. What is the difference between Tylenol Simply Sleep (a medicine to help you sleep) and Benadryl (an antihistamine for allergies)? Absolutely nothing. The active ingredient in both of those is diphenhydramine 25mg.

If we want to stop paying high prices for prescription drugs in this country then we need to stop the drug companies from advertising. Every pamphlet you see, every pen or coffee cup you see at the doctors office or pharmacy, you’re paying for. I’ll leave it at that for now and save the rest of the bitching for the gripes page.

Another weekend has started. This one is a little quieter than last weekend but still not uneventful. Holy shit yesterday was busy at the store. Aren’t you people supposed to sit your asses at home and relax? Enjoy the damn holiday already and stay the hell away. Most of you people should be in Walmart bugging those people instead of out grocery shopping. What the hell could you possibly want from the grocery store anyway, tainted meat?

As an Atkins person I’ve been checking into this whole mad cow thing pretty regularly. I see the latest claim is that the cow more than likely came from Canada. That figures, Canada always sends horrible things at us. First Celine Dion and now this. Does it never end Canada? Why is everyone so worried about this whole mad cow disease anyway? More people die every year because they don’t cook their meat enough and they get food poisoning from it.

I’ve noticed that Michael Jackson had an interview on 60 minutes that will show tomorrow. On it he says “Before I would hurt a child, I would slit my wrists.” Bradley asked Jackson whether he thought that under the circumstances, it was still acceptable to sleep with children and Jackson answered, “Of course. Why not? If you’re going to be a pedophile, if you’re going to be Jack the Ripper, if you’re going to be a murderer, it’s not a good idea. That I am not.” Um, I can’t even begin to respond to that. I think the only hope Michael has to avoid going to prison is to once again become black and hide out in Compton or something. His chances would be better than in the real world.

You know, it’s Christmas Day. That can only mean one thing. Presents!!!!!!!!!! Now being 30 you learn a few things about Christmas. Number one, until you are about 5 or 6, you don’t really like Santa. When you get to around to 11 or 12 you don’t really believe in Santa. When you get in your late teens all you really want is money. When you get into your late 20’s, well I guess you still want money. When you are into your 30’s you just want to be young again. Anyway, back to the fat man. Santa and I go way back. At a young age of my life, I would have to say I wasn’t too fond of him. He was the scariest thing to a young boy; at least until Michael Jackson came along.

What does Christmas mean to me? Not as much as it used to. Part of it is the whole getting older thing, but it lost a lot of its importance after my dad died. I don’t really know how to explain it, but the feeling of Christmas changed completely. It was extremely tough that first year, a lot of things were though. One of the things that is nice is that I have kids to give presents to now. I have a young cousin and then my friends’ children. I actually enjoy seeing them get presents more than I enjoy getting them myself.

No need to worry, cynical & callous Dave will return in the next blog entry, but until then. Merry Christmas to everyone reading this.

Hey, it’s Christmas Eve, guess I better get shopping. I’m joking, I finished up last night. There is nothing more fun that seeing a bunch of last minute bastards shopping for relatives. Luckily I knew what I wanted to buy so I just went in and got it, unlike that guy trying to decide between the Toilet Bowl Brush and the Swiffer for his wife.

I do have some sad news. Jesus once again found out about his surprise birthday party tomorrow. I don’t know which one of you told him but I’m really disappointed. Maybe next year we can pull it off. It’s so hard to surprise someone who is all knowing. Just curious, what did you get for Jesus? It is his birthday you know. You didn’t even get him a card did you?

With the holiday upon us, shit it’s today, who has time to be unhappy? I tell you who, the cows. The fucking cows. They have found a mad cow in Washington. Although I’m not a scientist I will try to explain the whole Mad Cow Syndrome to the uneducated person. When people get pissed off they can usually flip someone off, but a cow really doesn’t have a middle finger, in fact they don’t have fingers at all. All a cow has is a hoof. You can’t flip someone off with only a hoof, it takes fingers and like I said, cows don’t have fingers, they instead have four stomachs, and probably ulcers in each one because they can’t release their aggression. Now that we’ve figured this out, you might be asking why would a cow be mad in the first place. I’m not an expert in the whole cow field here, but if I had to venture a guess I would say because we keep fucking eating them. How would you like to be raised on a farm and fed really well to one day be selected and think, damn I must have won a prize, only to be led off to be turned into rump roast and hamburgers. I’m sure the leather boots don’t impress the cow much either. I guess if I found out I was a walking fast food diner with clothing options, I might be a little pissed off too. You can only take the pressure for so long before you finally crack. Luckily for me and my Atkins diet, they haven’t found any Mad Chickens, so I’m safe for a while.

Holy balls, there are only four more days until Christmas hits. That means on Friday I won’t have to listen to shitty Christmas music at work anymore, they will be playing the regular shitty music again. Do you know what those bastards did last Friday? I heard Rudolph two times in a row. One song got done and they started telling me that I know Dasher and Dancer all over again. I was like no shit, Gene Autry just told me that, tell me about Frosty or something but give Rudolph a rest.

Is it really Sunday? Do I really have to go back to work tomorrow? My weekend went by very quickly for some reason. Oh that’s right, because I was watching Grace (a 4 year old). We went to the theater and saw Elf last night, then came back to the house and watched Bruce Almighty. I believe I slept for roughly four total hours and then woke up and we watched The Mask, Spiderman and Dumb & Dumber today. I do believe that I am all movied out for a while. I do have to say to all single mothers and fathers out there, I have no idea how the hell you do it but congratulations; I have a newfound respect for you. I spent 24 hours with Grace and I could probably sleep until sometime Monday night. Of course now that she has gone home, it is awfully damn quiet in here. A little too quiet.

Ok, change of pace. Here are seven things that make me happy during the Holidays.

Drinking with friends
Exchanging Gifts
Eggnog (it’s awesome)
Angels on top of Christmas trees
Nativity scenes
New Years Eve

What a wonderful day it is in the neighborhood. One week left, then it’s Christmas and I haven’t been here since Saturday. Lot’s of shit to discuss, let’s get to it.

#1. I didn’t win the Powerball last night, let’s plan for Saturday.
#2. Saddam is captured, so we got the guy that had nothing to do with 9/11.
#3. You sick flu bastards need to stay the hell away from me in the store, got it? I didn’t get the flu shot and therefore you need to keep your distance.
#4. South Park is done for another season, now I’m going to be doing some video editing on this machine, meaning blogs will become even more sparse.
#5. Speaking of South Park, they killed Kenny last night in the season finale. It’s about time they got back to normal dammit.
#6. This is probably the first year that I absolutely don’t need or want anything for Christmas. Damn, I am getting old.
#7. It keeps snowing more and more, and me & my Mustang are sick of it.
#8. Michael Jackson is officially charged with molestation. Well no fucking duh. Now we are going to have a super trial to pacify us through the winter since Survivor is done until next year.
#9. Oh yeah, had to mention Reality TV. You know what, Fuck Reality TV. Those cocksuckers at MTV started this shit back in the old days with The Real World, then a few years back this shit started growing like a fungus between your toes. If your life is revolving around some total stranger on a lame ass reality show, then you obviously have no life and should kill yourself.
See, now I’ve gone and gotten all pissed off over the stupidity of television. You know what else is stupid? They caught Saddam Saturday Night and I haven’t stopped hearing about it since. I know they consider it a big accomplishment in their little Haliburton project over there, but come on, what else is left to tell us? I really didn’t need to see him being checked over for fleas and watching them swab his mouth. Why didn’t they just go the whole route and shove a probe up his ass on live television? Oh yeah, they’re saving that for a private session.